I hope God will understand

"A cheerful heart brings a smile to your face, a sad heart makes it hard to get through the day".

I thought I would go to another church, this morning, for the main reason that I didn't feel like walking all the way to my usual church; also, you never know, Ian may decide to go there too, and I don't want to meet him (yet) (as if...I am 200% sure that he is going to the uni chapel, which he prefers anyway. All that talk of wanting to get out of the uni system every now and then was just more smoke in my eyes).

So, last night I found a church in Bevendean, which looked ok, and decided to go there for Mass this morning. Then, being a bright day, I walked out of the house and thought that my usual church would do, after all, at least I'll have a walk.
I went as far as...well, I didn't go far.
Then I stopped.
I stood in the middle of the street for five minutes.
And then I walked back. Holding back the tears.

I forced myself to eat some cereals and yogurt, and concentrated hard on the action of eating, to prevent tears from flowing down again.

It is hard. Mostly because I cannot talk to him, know what he is thinking now, what his real thoughts are. When he says he thinks I should move on, does he mean he doesn't want to see me again? And all these months, have we been friends because he was feeling guilty?

"Guilt is banished through love and truth".

If only we could talk, but what is there to say?
Only that I still don't understand his decision, except that his love for me is not Love, but love, and that he believes this is not the right moment to grow it, because it has come so much in advance on his plans that it's just messing him up, and his ambitions are too high to be spoilt by a growing relationship.
Only that he is scared and confused, possibly because I am 4 years older than him, and he thinks I need to have my own family soon...Good gracious, I cannot pay my rent, I am a foreigner here, and a family is the last of my thoughts. And even if I wanted a family, I could wait, you know? I've waited all my life for him, what difference would it make to wait some more? Especially since we've only just met, and there are so many things we don't know, so much to talk about.
But again, this is not the right time for him. It shocks me, because I understand exactly what he thinks.
Then people tell me that I should "threaten" him, tell him that when he is ready ,maybe I won't be. Ha. As if.
For one, this is nothing I could tell him, even if I were mad angry at him (which I could never be), and for two, who tells you that when he is ready he will want me? He picked me by pure coincidence, seeing a lonely soul like he was, and seriously, only God knows what he thought would happen. He pushed it too far, with these ideas of "I would like you to move to Brighton, because this is special".

IT IS SPECIAL, FOR GOODNESS' SAKE! HAVE YOU EVER FELT LIKE THIS BEFORE? DOESN'T IT SCARE YOU THAT IT MAY BE YOUR ONLY CHANCE, AND YOU ARE THROWING IT AWAY?

He doesn't know. I wish I could ask him how many times he has been in love, and what happened then. I wish I could ask him the difference between then and now. I wish I could tell him about my past, and all the love I have wanted to give which has always, always been refused, of all the love I am ready to give him, no matter what, to be by his side and walk with him, because this is the chance I have never had, and always prayed for, for all my life.
But his trust in God makes him believe that yes, when he is 30, and his Phd is finished, and his career has started, then God will send him a girlfriend to spend the rest of his life with, to make a family with, to Love with a capital L. But wasn't he praying for a girlfriend before coming to Brighton, in July? And didn't God send...well, me? We didn't meet by coincidence, did we? God doesn't play dice, Einstein said. So there must be a reason why we met. Just as there is a reason why we are going through this painful, unbearable moment.

"We plan the way we want to live, but only God makes us able to live it".
I understand that if we couldn't live this moment together, it is because God thought it wasn't the right time either. Yes, now it makes sense. I understand.

Yes, but can we be friends now? I understand him so well, and he likes to have me as a friend, so can we be friends, please? And if things were going well between us as friends, why making a mess again and try to be a couple, when his heart wasn't in it? Why lying to himself, and to me, when he knew that it wouldn't work? Why hurting both of us?

"Friends love through all kind of weather".

It is hard to keep my promise that I won't text him or anything before he leaves for Malta. I need time to think and heal and recover again, and I know I need this time, badly, because I don't know what to do. I don't know if I want to stay here, and why, I don't know what I can do if I go back home, I don't know how I can survive next year, with the master to pay, I don't want to lose Ian, and this is a selfish thought, but I don't want to lose him.

I hope God will understand.

Sometimes, reading through the Proverbs, or the Psalms, I find the encouraging word I need to go on, but I also feel that I find lots of misleading words, words that make me believe that this thing can be fixed, words that make me feel that I am deceiving myself.
My faith is a blossom that needs water and care, and it seems unfair that it is already put on a test by the painful time I am facing. Still, I know there is a reason, and that only by being strong will I overcome this time.

So, my Bible is waiting, and more pages I have saved from an interesting website which is sending help to grow spiritually. In a way, I am confident this is the right way to go; but oh, how I miss Ian and his strong hands.