Life ain't easy

...I am so scared again. I am so scared again. I am so scared.
Ian not in good mood. This is "one of those days. If you stop the routine and look at where you are, sometimes you feel...you know. Strange".
Damn, no, I don't know.
I mean, yes, I have been in this condition for the past 3 months, struggling to survive, struggling to understand where I belong, what is the point of being here and of all this pain.
I am too battling to adjust, being nearly 30 and still sharing a house with 3 20-year old girls, who don't have any sense of respect, being nearly 30 and still renting a room in a house where nothing is mine, being nearly 30 in a foreign country with no future ahead.
But here is where we are different, and I let things flow over me, and I work and work, knowing that things will be all right, eventually, even when the pain is so strong that it looks like it will never go away.
I am so scared and upset. I will have another troubled night, and fortunately I have tomorrow's lesson ready, and Wednesday's too. Which means that I don't have to worry about it, at least that. But oh, it is so difficult.
Ten days ago we kissed again. Since then, I've been living in a nightmare, scared to death of another break-up. I have tried not to think about it, to live it day by day again, and it's been hard. Every day I wake up and pray, pray and pray.
And still, I've just called him. And he told me to email him to let him know what I want to do on Wednesday. Email him??? EMAIL HIM???
Damn.

Oh, God. Help. I am not sure I am strong enough for this. Help. Help.