Another day off

In a way, it is nice, to lie in...have a lazy breakfast...research quietly on internet...see the gym in an unusual time (not today, though..it's raining too much, and I will stay at home. Going tomorrow after work and Saturday, before meeting up with Ana for coffee).

I went to the King and Queen, last night, after months of going past it and thinking how I would like to go there for a drink. Had a delicious drink too, by the way. The company was enjoyable, with my housemate, Ana, and some Turskish students, including my ex-student Ozge who was half drunk already, for she's been drinking before joining us, beer on an empty stomach while trying to think of her emotional situation with her life-long boyfriend.
We ended up talking of love and relationships, of course. It seems this is the time.

In my case, I am still trying to...feel better. Which is not easy, seen as I cannot erase that upset, shocked face of Ian's, last Friday. His look. The way he almost collapsed on the sofa in the library, the way he said "I'm not happy. I'm disappointed. I think we should break up". His sad, upset face. It breaks me to think of it now.

Then, after the text on Sunday, another text on Monday, saying how he was thinking of me and of how much I must be hurting, how sorry he was, how he was hoping that we could still be friends as we said.

When I received it, I was preparing the songs to load on my mp3 player, which I had planned to give him, as promised, before he left for Malta. The player, together with some chocolate, ended up in an envelope, including a letter with the instructions, and a few words to say how I hoped he was al right, and best luck for the weekend in Malta, and by the way, I am going home on December 17th.

Now, when I wrote that, I forgot to mention that my departure was just an anticipated flight for my Christmas holidays...seen as I have a week's paid holiday, seen as there isn't much to do in school, and I would really like to have some more time to spend at home, what with the holidays being this hectic time. Also, what is the point of the beautiful melancholy Christmas feeling if I cannot share it with Ian? Anyway, flight moved to Monday, 17th, at 6.40.

Evening text: a big thanks from the bottom of his heart for my kindness. And how sorry he is to know that I'm going to go back home. And how sorry he will be when he misses me. And God bless me.

I am shocked, seriously upset. I have to text him back, clarifying that no, it's only a week earlier on my holidays, don't worry, piccolino.

Reply: thanks. Really glad you're not going. Miss you. Hope we can catch up soon.

And so we did. Quite unexpectedly, although deep inside I knew he would text me last night, asking if he could come over for a cup of tea. What I had told him was that I was giving him time and space to prepare for his Malta trip, but I was here, ok? (Thanks, sweet).
So, here he comes. Annoyingly enough, the washing machine is on, filled with Drunk Housemate's clothes, and it is making such noise you'd think they can hear it in Hove; also, Tall Housemate is around, cooking her dinner, and watching loud tv. Then, The Simpsons are on, the volume goes up, the washing machine is spinning and spinning, and it's dangerously getting on my nerves, not to mention the fact that I hoped we could be alone for a moment, talk, quietly, seriously, not chatting about his crazy housemate and my job.
Icing on the cake, which I had completely forgotten: New Housemate pops in, preceded by Landlady and boyfriend, who have brought light bulbs, a clothes horse, and a doorbell.
The house is a messy, noisy, upsetting unsettling tiny space, I can see Ian's expression growing nervous and uneasy, and in a second we share the "time to go" look.
An embarassed half hug, which leaves me with a bitter taste in my mouth. I will try to avoid physical contact with him, from now on. Too painful, too pathetic.

I text him later, apologising for the noisy messy place.
The reply is an "aurevoir till Monday", which puts a smile on my face.

Not that I think that we will meet on Monday: he will back sometime past 6, in the morning. Tired, possibly stressed, with his study schedule to catch up, and all that. No, I doubt we will meet on Monday. I am not even sure I want to.

There are things I would like to ask and talk about, with him, and I can't. I should have asked/told him last Friday, as we were breaking up, but I knew better, and he was so upset and sad, how could I trouble him with my words?

Anyway.
As I am writing now, he is on the bus to Gatwick.
As I am writing now, I haven't even started to study, so I should get down to my books.
As I am writing now, I have plans and ideas on the months to come: apply for a scholarship for my master, work out more at the gym, search for more teaching jobs, apply for a certificate for teaching Spanish, start studying (for real!) for my master, stop feeling guilty for leaving mum at home without me.
As I am writing now, I am online with my brother, chatting on Skype. I had to move to Brighton to be friendly with Brother Genius....