Countdown
I need to sleep! Unbelievable how every year it's the same annoying story...But we won't talk about it, as I am so angry and tired and irritable that I could overdo...
I am trying to write, almost desperately.
On Friday night, sleepless for all the noise from the sport centre, I put my headphones on and I wrote a couple of pages, more of a brainstorm than anything. This story feels good...if only I could get anywhere with it...But now, after 3 sleepless nights and a lot of anger and frustration, I feel like a child, irritable and ready to cry, and I cannot even focus decently on things, which is probably going to cause trouble at work. I can't wait to leave and relax in Dublin. When I come back I will work seriously on the story and try to get somewhere, because the ideas are in the right place and I've got all I need, pen, paper, time.
I do wonder why I do it. I know I have no talent and my stories are only lines scribbled to empty my mind from the ghosts of the past. In a way, this is my therapy, and it has always worked, so I wonder if my change from the happy apparently careless noisy me of some years ago into this superficial angry irritable person is due to the lack of writing.
I am not even writing a diary anymore.
I have forgotten that a diary is not a place to write material things like what I have done and seen and all that, but a hidden room to store thoughts and feelings that are somehow filling me, to the point that everything is unbearable, now, overwhelming, and I understand I need to take every word out of me, free my mind, completely, and start from scratch. Then I will be fresh and ready for a new beginning, like after a long run, when I shower and wear fresh clothes and lie in the armchair in total peace.
So I guess this is going to be my task for the end of August, when I am back from all the holidays I have planned.
For one thing, I need to go back to a serious training with my running, and I count on a cooler weather, this time; I also plan to go swimming more often, especially since I think there will be the marathon soon. And then, let's stick to a diary and my stories with patience and care, no excuses. Movies in the weekend or mid-week at the cinema, and books after writing and in any other spare moment I get.
I wonder if I should write one of my weekly/monthly plans..but then it would be no use, since I always get mixed up with other unexpected things, and so all I can think is that whatever happens, I will try to write as often as possible, writing becoming my mental priority.
I am trying to write, almost desperately.
On Friday night, sleepless for all the noise from the sport centre, I put my headphones on and I wrote a couple of pages, more of a brainstorm than anything. This story feels good...if only I could get anywhere with it...But now, after 3 sleepless nights and a lot of anger and frustration, I feel like a child, irritable and ready to cry, and I cannot even focus decently on things, which is probably going to cause trouble at work. I can't wait to leave and relax in Dublin. When I come back I will work seriously on the story and try to get somewhere, because the ideas are in the right place and I've got all I need, pen, paper, time.
I do wonder why I do it. I know I have no talent and my stories are only lines scribbled to empty my mind from the ghosts of the past. In a way, this is my therapy, and it has always worked, so I wonder if my change from the happy apparently careless noisy me of some years ago into this superficial angry irritable person is due to the lack of writing.
I am not even writing a diary anymore.
I have forgotten that a diary is not a place to write material things like what I have done and seen and all that, but a hidden room to store thoughts and feelings that are somehow filling me, to the point that everything is unbearable, now, overwhelming, and I understand I need to take every word out of me, free my mind, completely, and start from scratch. Then I will be fresh and ready for a new beginning, like after a long run, when I shower and wear fresh clothes and lie in the armchair in total peace.
So I guess this is going to be my task for the end of August, when I am back from all the holidays I have planned.
For one thing, I need to go back to a serious training with my running, and I count on a cooler weather, this time; I also plan to go swimming more often, especially since I think there will be the marathon soon. And then, let's stick to a diary and my stories with patience and care, no excuses. Movies in the weekend or mid-week at the cinema, and books after writing and in any other spare moment I get.
I wonder if I should write one of my weekly/monthly plans..but then it would be no use, since I always get mixed up with other unexpected things, and so all I can think is that whatever happens, I will try to write as often as possible, writing becoming my mental priority.
posted by Peggy @ 9:04 AM
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