For my piccolino only

..who read my posts labelled under "depression" and clearly wondered (and worried) about my mental health...

So tonight, out of curiosity, I did read my own posts labelled "depression", and suddenly remembered. I feel lucky, because I sort of saw what it was like when I was at the office, how awful, depressing, hopeless it was. I remembered the night spent without sleeping, the self-induced coma brought on by watching dvd's, the useless daydreaming, so different from my productive daydreaming, the one that gives me strength and passion for life, the one that pushes me through, and fills me with hope.

So here I am, feeling low after reading all those terrible memories, and feeling ok for reading them, because I know that writing about them was the best thing to do to avoid madness, and even the useless daydreaming of the time helped, and I know it made me hold on longer than I would have, otherwise.
So here I am, feeling a lot better, compared to that time, which feels a lifetime ago, when it is only a bit more than a year ago. And so much has happened, and I am MUCH HAPPIER. I really am, and feel lucky, blessed, grateful, hopeful.

I know my depression can strike again: it usually does in January, when the days are so short, and also being the time right after New Year's - I have never appreciated or liked the change to a new year, for all the thoughts it brings with it (what has been accomplished and all that...).
I also know that there will be bad times, as always, but this is what my life has always been, just like, I suppose, everybody's life is: ups and downs, good moments, problems, high times and low days, and so on. But seriously, I am much happier now: in spite of my usual worries, and I can't avoid those, only trust that things will work out, in spite of my usual worries, then, I feel well, and look forward to many things in a day, so much more than it used to be.
And my piccolino, who makes my life... more interesting, shall I say, my piccolino gives me happiness, and we talk and laugh and walk and share beautiful moments together, and I can only be grateful for this, and smile whenever I think of him.
We are a funny, complicated, introspective couple, and I like it, with all that comes with it, from the difficulty to meet during the week to the pleasure of being together for a quick couple of hours, from an unexpected evening where the hours stretch with the sound of the rain on the window, to the plans of the weekend ruined by the rain, from the clash, sometimes, between his tiredness and my hyperactive me, or the other way around (see today: a late afternoon walk was his idea vs. my idea of some more cuddling and relaxing. Oh, well), to the beauty of a word, a text, a gesture that leaves me breathless.

Words fail me, because happiness is wrapping me too tight, and I can only smile.