One way out (and one with no return)

I've been thinking, and thinking, and thinking.
Well. Not only that: I've been running and reading and watching movies and fantasising for the whole weekend, getting bad sleep for all this nervous thinking and fantasising.
But, I may have the solution of a couple of problems; therefore, since I'm one for lists, and I've said this before, here is a nice list with everything clear and reassuring. (I do like lists, even when I repeat them. They make me feel calm. My obsessed, paranoid me is always happy with lists and plans, even if I rarely stick to them, due to the normal unforeseen events that occur in everybody's social life, no matter how small this social life is). So, the list:

- single courses: a great alternative to a three-year degree where I would study subjects that don't interest me, are useless for the job that I would like to do, therefore would make me lose time. Not that I am not interested in, say, history: I do like history, it's fascinating, but I'd rather not feel the obligation of studying it by heart for the sake of an exam less in my curriculum, when I'd have a lot of other more important subjects to study. So, if I take single courses, I can choose what I need and receive the appropriate qualification

- expenses will be less than expected: I have just seen what courses I would like and should follow in order to be prepared for the tests, and they are only five. Of course, if the other website, of the other university, were a little better organised, I could see if there is the same possibility and therefore could register for two more exams which would be quite useful...

Anyway, things are quickly improving, and how beautiful is this: I can see a light and I may be out of this tunnel quicker than I thought.

Tonight I have the first appointment at the gym for the therapeutic massage: can't wait. As days went by, I have become more self-conscious about the way I sit, and get up, and breath, and move. I cannot wait to begin.
And I have also been thinking about these beginning fantasies, and cursing my excessive imagination for making up a whole romance based on a smile. Of course there will be no development from my mind to reality, and I should stop right now with this mental movie, before it gets to the point when I blush just thinking about it, because that's the time when the simple "hello", uttered as we meet, starts the sweating avalanche and the voice shaking and the unavoidable shyness and silence. More cursing. Because then there will be the casual meeting somewhere and the discovery of somebody holding his hand, or the appearance of a ring, or the vision of a kiss. And the disappointment, for one more time I will realise that there is nobody for me in this world, out there, whatever people may say to cheer me up. Liz said once "Love will find its way to you". The same words were written in a letter from Judy many years before. It's nice to think so, and to be lulled by these images: it's my favourite daydream, after all, together with the one where I work as a librarian in some nice Northern city and live in my own cosy flat. I am one with little ambitions.

I sound like some autistic chid, slapping my face for saying something that I shouldn't have said.

And that's all for now.