I guess this can be "Dilemma - part two"
Yesterday I tried some more intelligence tests. And I did well! I even got a 90% after a test of logic, which was commented as "excellent", so my self-esteem is not feeling that bad, at the moment. My plans now are a constant exercise, because I found out that it's fun, and my brain has recorded a moment of pure concentration, for a change. This is obviously good and I don't intend to stop.
More thoughts on my job and on my future. For example, the book and magazine I got at the newsagent: one of the tests was some sort of career help, and the result was exactly what I expected: what am I doing here?
I don't need a test to understand that this is not my ideal job, and that I would be a better, happier person if I could work in a library, a publishing firm, and such.
So this set me thinking once more, and I was on the verge of tears when I had the marvellous, shocking epiphany of "this is my only life".
It's not that easy, though. So, since I'm one for lists, here is another:
- money: I could work here for another couple of years, which means, by the end of this year I pay off my car, then start saving and at the same time I start studying (Claudia must have some books I can borrow), next September I register for the degree in library science and start studying. The idea is that since we are going to work on our house but not on the part that was meant to be mine, there is no talk of mortgage and all that jazz anymore. When I knew that, I thought "much better, so when we actually begin working on it I will have some more money for a first heavy instalment"; now my thought is "much better, so I won't have a life-long debt that will keep me chained here for the rest of my pathetic, miserable life".
- life in the city. It is a thought in a very far future, I know. But: I do like living here. This is where I grew up, where my best friends are, where I have all that I love. And still, I would like to leave. It must be connected with my living with my parents and not being free to do things, those casual things like shopping, cooking, watching tv, being anywhere in a house without worrying about who is in the other rooms. And so on. My mother doesn't understand when I say that I'm happy when they are out for the day on a trip, or because in November they are going to a cruise for a week, which means an immense amount of freedom for me. Little things. But if I moved and lived in another town I would be free. Talking to my friend the other day, we were saying the same thing: that it's stupid to rent an apartment, because we work in the same town of our parents', so it's a waste of money; but still, the freedom to be lonely when we want is a treasure. Some people may not understand.
- life in the city part two: also, apart from the freedom-concept, the idea is that wherever could I work? If I graduate in library science and try to find a job, I doubt I will find here, where the local library doesn't need help: it's the biggest, so all the other libraries don't need more people than they currently have, so I would have to move in any case. Actually, I doubt I would find a job...
All this should be thought over really well, before I talk to my mum about it. It sounds childish, but there are a lot of issues at stake and if she is counting on me for money when the works on the house begin, then she needs to know that I may not be here, or that I may be planning a move somewhere, looking for better luck.
The obvious conclusion is: start the search. Degree, tuition fees, subjects, enrolling system, exams and the like; set a money plan; find the books for some exams to begin before enrolling.
One last thing. I don't know if I should be angry or just not care: there's a link to my blog on the website of the band. Did I ask for it? Or did I say that they (he, because I know it is one person's idea) could do it? Or that I didn't mind? Then again, who cares. This is where I write what I think, feel, plan, see. If somebody reads it, they can only get a clearer idea on who I am, rather than who I appear to be.
But now, research is needed.
More thoughts on my job and on my future. For example, the book and magazine I got at the newsagent: one of the tests was some sort of career help, and the result was exactly what I expected: what am I doing here?
I don't need a test to understand that this is not my ideal job, and that I would be a better, happier person if I could work in a library, a publishing firm, and such.
So this set me thinking once more, and I was on the verge of tears when I had the marvellous, shocking epiphany of "this is my only life".
It's not that easy, though. So, since I'm one for lists, here is another:
- money: I could work here for another couple of years, which means, by the end of this year I pay off my car, then start saving and at the same time I start studying (Claudia must have some books I can borrow), next September I register for the degree in library science and start studying. The idea is that since we are going to work on our house but not on the part that was meant to be mine, there is no talk of mortgage and all that jazz anymore. When I knew that, I thought "much better, so when we actually begin working on it I will have some more money for a first heavy instalment"; now my thought is "much better, so I won't have a life-long debt that will keep me chained here for the rest of my pathetic, miserable life".
- life in the city. It is a thought in a very far future, I know. But: I do like living here. This is where I grew up, where my best friends are, where I have all that I love. And still, I would like to leave. It must be connected with my living with my parents and not being free to do things, those casual things like shopping, cooking, watching tv, being anywhere in a house without worrying about who is in the other rooms. And so on. My mother doesn't understand when I say that I'm happy when they are out for the day on a trip, or because in November they are going to a cruise for a week, which means an immense amount of freedom for me. Little things. But if I moved and lived in another town I would be free. Talking to my friend the other day, we were saying the same thing: that it's stupid to rent an apartment, because we work in the same town of our parents', so it's a waste of money; but still, the freedom to be lonely when we want is a treasure. Some people may not understand.
- life in the city part two: also, apart from the freedom-concept, the idea is that wherever could I work? If I graduate in library science and try to find a job, I doubt I will find here, where the local library doesn't need help: it's the biggest, so all the other libraries don't need more people than they currently have, so I would have to move in any case. Actually, I doubt I would find a job...
All this should be thought over really well, before I talk to my mum about it. It sounds childish, but there are a lot of issues at stake and if she is counting on me for money when the works on the house begin, then she needs to know that I may not be here, or that I may be planning a move somewhere, looking for better luck.
The obvious conclusion is: start the search. Degree, tuition fees, subjects, enrolling system, exams and the like; set a money plan; find the books for some exams to begin before enrolling.
One last thing. I don't know if I should be angry or just not care: there's a link to my blog on the website of the band. Did I ask for it? Or did I say that they (he, because I know it is one person's idea) could do it? Or that I didn't mind? Then again, who cares. This is where I write what I think, feel, plan, see. If somebody reads it, they can only get a clearer idea on who I am, rather than who I appear to be.
But now, research is needed.
posted by Peggy @ 10:49 AM
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