Bad vibrations
Another sleepless night...It seems that Tuesday is THE night, when with an inner alarm clock I wake up at 4.16. Precisely.
And I go for a cup of hot milk, reruns of the X-Files, and then back to bed, where I read until about 6 o'clock, when I feel my eyes closing again and I sink into the coma until 7.15.
I wonder if this depends on what I do in the evening of Tuesday, i.e., seeing the B&S guy. Although last night I didn't really work out with him, but with the other guy, who looks very sweet. I did work out very well even though my eyes were in a terrible condition and I kept "crying", my vision blurred.
When I went to the counter to pay for the past two weeks he asked me if I was still going swimming, so I told my story of going in the evening, trying to go on Saturday to check on the amount of people, being unable to go, and all that. Somehow I still feel like giving a go to a quick swim at lunchtime, and I was thinking of really going on Monday, with the good excuse that this Saturday I cannot go either, because we're out playing. Just to try. Just to see if we meet.
I'm crazy, because I found myself a good excuse to daydream a bit more due to the fact that yesterday we didn't spend our usual time together. So obviously I must catch up, right?
To change subject for a minute, I am deeply annoyed by the situation with the website of the band, to the point that I am thinking about deleting the link on my blog (as if it made any difference) and, even though I wouldn't cancel my inscription (mostly not to disappoint the only person who would be truly disappointed) I am not going back again. It is pretty useless to say what I think and offer solutions or opinions or whatever, I mean contribute as they ask, when everything spins around one single person who doesn't even realise it. Like, I wrote what to me we had reached during the long meeting on Monday (i.e., next to nothing) and his reply was, that I am a very sincere person, and on the other side there are people who are hypocritical and make him feel like quitting. WHAT THE HELL HAS THIS GOT TO DO WITH WHAT I SAID???
So I left a quick message in the chat (in English, not in Italian) saying that the thing annoyed me immensely, that I really felt like I was speaking another language. It does annoy me, I won't repeat it again. I am not trying to get everybody's approval and I don't even want my opinion to be the leader, but to be ignored or passed over as if what I say meant nothing, now that really drives me mad. And I knew it the very moment I went on that website and saw what he was doing. And at the meeting? The only moment when we were trying to analyse what to write, he quickly moved the conversation to personal things and opinions, confusing us with words that meant nothing in the context of what we were supposed to be discussing. This is not correct. And if things just go on this way, I definitely don't feel like going on with the website. It was only because of the other guy if I agreed on translating, in spite of being provoked (maybe unconsciously, but still).
I am getting angrier by the minute. I would like to go back to the chat and tell him everything, but I can't be bothered to engage a discussion when there is no way he is going to understand what I mean, simply because his inner system refuses anything different from what comes out of his own mind, however democratic he says he is.
So anyway.
On with the complaints, today is the day: mother worried about me and in need of a preach. Lord...I don't want to be rude, but how can I make them understand that I am fucking 28 and know what's good and what's wrong? That I feel things and am provided with a brain, however unstable, therefore I am able to decide what's best for me? That I don't need their advice on what to eat and when to eat, since I don't do things by chance, I carefully plan my diet in order to have all the vital elements, and my iron deficiency is nothing I can control because in spite of eating meat and taking supplements for four months nothing changed, so it's obviously not my fault? And she speaks, who eats tea and biscuits for lunch! At least I have a balanced diet! It is not quantity, but quality. But in my family this is a concept to refuse. My mother wants us well fed, like stuffed pigs for Christmas, and my father lives in the belief that you must eat as much as you can, empty every dish on the table, even when you are already stuffed. I would understand it if he had lived during some war times, like my grandfather would have been: starvation in time of war can lead to emotional overeating once things are back to normal. But he's not. He's just completely nuts and believes he's god on earth, sent to tell us mortal how to live. And if we don't behave the way he does, then we are idiots. Now who is being an idiot here.
Tension building back on my shoulders. All these bad thoughts set free inside me, and anger and frustration kicking in.
This is not a good day.
And I go for a cup of hot milk, reruns of the X-Files, and then back to bed, where I read until about 6 o'clock, when I feel my eyes closing again and I sink into the coma until 7.15.
I wonder if this depends on what I do in the evening of Tuesday, i.e., seeing the B&S guy. Although last night I didn't really work out with him, but with the other guy, who looks very sweet. I did work out very well even though my eyes were in a terrible condition and I kept "crying", my vision blurred.
When I went to the counter to pay for the past two weeks he asked me if I was still going swimming, so I told my story of going in the evening, trying to go on Saturday to check on the amount of people, being unable to go, and all that. Somehow I still feel like giving a go to a quick swim at lunchtime, and I was thinking of really going on Monday, with the good excuse that this Saturday I cannot go either, because we're out playing. Just to try. Just to see if we meet.
I'm crazy, because I found myself a good excuse to daydream a bit more due to the fact that yesterday we didn't spend our usual time together. So obviously I must catch up, right?
To change subject for a minute, I am deeply annoyed by the situation with the website of the band, to the point that I am thinking about deleting the link on my blog (as if it made any difference) and, even though I wouldn't cancel my inscription (mostly not to disappoint the only person who would be truly disappointed) I am not going back again. It is pretty useless to say what I think and offer solutions or opinions or whatever, I mean contribute as they ask, when everything spins around one single person who doesn't even realise it. Like, I wrote what to me we had reached during the long meeting on Monday (i.e., next to nothing) and his reply was, that I am a very sincere person, and on the other side there are people who are hypocritical and make him feel like quitting. WHAT THE HELL HAS THIS GOT TO DO WITH WHAT I SAID???
So I left a quick message in the chat (in English, not in Italian) saying that the thing annoyed me immensely, that I really felt like I was speaking another language. It does annoy me, I won't repeat it again. I am not trying to get everybody's approval and I don't even want my opinion to be the leader, but to be ignored or passed over as if what I say meant nothing, now that really drives me mad. And I knew it the very moment I went on that website and saw what he was doing. And at the meeting? The only moment when we were trying to analyse what to write, he quickly moved the conversation to personal things and opinions, confusing us with words that meant nothing in the context of what we were supposed to be discussing. This is not correct. And if things just go on this way, I definitely don't feel like going on with the website. It was only because of the other guy if I agreed on translating, in spite of being provoked (maybe unconsciously, but still).
I am getting angrier by the minute. I would like to go back to the chat and tell him everything, but I can't be bothered to engage a discussion when there is no way he is going to understand what I mean, simply because his inner system refuses anything different from what comes out of his own mind, however democratic he says he is.
So anyway.
On with the complaints, today is the day: mother worried about me and in need of a preach. Lord...I don't want to be rude, but how can I make them understand that I am fucking 28 and know what's good and what's wrong? That I feel things and am provided with a brain, however unstable, therefore I am able to decide what's best for me? That I don't need their advice on what to eat and when to eat, since I don't do things by chance, I carefully plan my diet in order to have all the vital elements, and my iron deficiency is nothing I can control because in spite of eating meat and taking supplements for four months nothing changed, so it's obviously not my fault? And she speaks, who eats tea and biscuits for lunch! At least I have a balanced diet! It is not quantity, but quality. But in my family this is a concept to refuse. My mother wants us well fed, like stuffed pigs for Christmas, and my father lives in the belief that you must eat as much as you can, empty every dish on the table, even when you are already stuffed. I would understand it if he had lived during some war times, like my grandfather would have been: starvation in time of war can lead to emotional overeating once things are back to normal. But he's not. He's just completely nuts and believes he's god on earth, sent to tell us mortal how to live. And if we don't behave the way he does, then we are idiots. Now who is being an idiot here.
Tension building back on my shoulders. All these bad thoughts set free inside me, and anger and frustration kicking in.
This is not a good day.
posted by Peggy @ 11:09 AM
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