The brainwash!
Old habits never die.
Ok, it's 13 days since I first met the guy. It's also been a hectic time, because of work, but not only.
It's just that since I met him, I've increased the amount of running from three to five times a week; I have gone back to swimming and intend to go at least twice a week; I have taken the final decision on those courses and bought the books to begin; I have behaved like I am mad just as I predicted.
Fact: my brain is experiencing a short-circuit. I've never been able to control my emotions, or, to explain it better, I do control my emotions, but this is the reason why I have rotten shoulders and have to go to the gym twice a week for the massage and the exercise session. It is also the reason why my stomach aches from cramps whenever I am overnervous, and I shake, get close to tears, cannot sleep at night, and so on. Side-effect of holding your feeling in: they find a way to get out.
So first it's the list of symptoms described above; then it's me becoming slowly unable to speak decently (I speak too fast, words come out half cut and uncomprehensible even by myself who uttered them; I am always in the process of slow-speaking to be understood, but whenever I am confident about something or I need to reply quicker if only to a joke, there's nothing to do); finally it's me being snappy 24/7: words are faster than thoughts, and the tension releases them without any chance of the brain to intervene and stop, or at least slightly control the flow.
I overspeak; I overlaugh; I overdo everything and I look like
a. on the verge of a breakdown, or
b. simply, completely, utterly nuts.
This has got to stop.
And I am writing this to convince myself for the....1000th time that I must stop behaving like a stupid, and thinking and daydreaming. That taking that invitation to the petition at the gym won't bring any result; that being friendly and joking during the training doesn't mean anything; that the fact they we both are single and that we met and found a couple of things in common doesn't necessarily mean that we are destined together; that the fact that once again he's told me that he'll go swimming on Monday at lunch time doesn't necessarily mean that he is somehow inviting me or hoping to meet me there; that spending a couple of hours a week together with his hands on my back and belly to control my movements, and his hands holding mine to help me stretch farther, his hands massaging my shoulders, his hands caressing my head after a tough stretch...
...
Damn!
This is not working.
So I've just decided to give myself another week, and see what happens; maybe it will fade out; maybe we will date and end up getting married ; maybe I will just keep on liking him and nothing will happen and I will study and pass those tests and get a job as a librarian somewhere and won't see him again.
All this means that I am allowed another bit of daydreaming before I do the final brainwash.
Update to follow.
Ok, it's 13 days since I first met the guy. It's also been a hectic time, because of work, but not only.
It's just that since I met him, I've increased the amount of running from three to five times a week; I have gone back to swimming and intend to go at least twice a week; I have taken the final decision on those courses and bought the books to begin; I have behaved like I am mad just as I predicted.
Fact: my brain is experiencing a short-circuit. I've never been able to control my emotions, or, to explain it better, I do control my emotions, but this is the reason why I have rotten shoulders and have to go to the gym twice a week for the massage and the exercise session. It is also the reason why my stomach aches from cramps whenever I am overnervous, and I shake, get close to tears, cannot sleep at night, and so on. Side-effect of holding your feeling in: they find a way to get out.
So first it's the list of symptoms described above; then it's me becoming slowly unable to speak decently (I speak too fast, words come out half cut and uncomprehensible even by myself who uttered them; I am always in the process of slow-speaking to be understood, but whenever I am confident about something or I need to reply quicker if only to a joke, there's nothing to do); finally it's me being snappy 24/7: words are faster than thoughts, and the tension releases them without any chance of the brain to intervene and stop, or at least slightly control the flow.
I overspeak; I overlaugh; I overdo everything and I look like
a. on the verge of a breakdown, or
b. simply, completely, utterly nuts.
This has got to stop.
And I am writing this to convince myself for the....1000th time that I must stop behaving like a stupid, and thinking and daydreaming. That taking that invitation to the petition at the gym won't bring any result; that being friendly and joking during the training doesn't mean anything; that the fact they we both are single and that we met and found a couple of things in common doesn't necessarily mean that we are destined together; that the fact that once again he's told me that he'll go swimming on Monday at lunch time doesn't necessarily mean that he is somehow inviting me or hoping to meet me there; that spending a couple of hours a week together with his hands on my back and belly to control my movements, and his hands holding mine to help me stretch farther, his hands massaging my shoulders, his hands caressing my head after a tough stretch...
...
Damn!
This is not working.
So I've just decided to give myself another week, and see what happens; maybe it will fade out; maybe we will date and end up getting married ; maybe I will just keep on liking him and nothing will happen and I will study and pass those tests and get a job as a librarian somewhere and won't see him again.
All this means that I am allowed another bit of daydreaming before I do the final brainwash.
Update to follow.
posted by Peggy @ 3:53 PM
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