Happy chaos
Well, so…while listening to some music that will later be uploaded on my brand new mp3 player (!!!), I need to recap a bit of what’s happened lately. I guess it will come by instalments, because there are thoughts and facts and feelings, and all together is definitely too much, all at once. Plus, I will use it as an excuse for my laziness, it’s late and I’ve got lots of things to do tomorrow…we are leaving for Prague in three days, and I don’t even know how much money we should put on my credit card before we leave…
It’s been an incredible time, and yet it has all been so ordinary…I have been teaching and teaching, working out, going by bike, as said before I’ve been to the White City (for nothing, really…), and I have received my final payslip with an enormous amount of money for the end of my work there…I’ve never seen all those money together, and probably will not see it again for a long time..but I intend to make good use of what I have now, and sort my life properly.
So, first of all about the meeting with my shrink today: a very positive time. I am living this good period, this sunlight, this days filled of lessons and home, and bike and errands, and concrete plans, and peaceful thoughts on where to lead my life. And the shrink got it all. The Transformation Game did nothing but take out of me things I already had, already knew, Socrates-like. It gave me more consciousness on my resources and my possibilities, it filled me with hope and practical advice on myself, on my life. And as I said today, I am a warrior. I have always been. In the past months I have lost myself so bad that I had changed inside, forgetting what it was like to be me. Of course I have changed a lot during the years, but my me, the one that is now writing these lines, is closer to what I used to be: optimistic, loud, energetic, messy. My light is back.
Practical thoughts that have accompanied me along this short yet long way: most of my friends (my same age or slightly younger) have taken ages to graduate, some of them finished three or even four years after me. While they virtually wasted their time by just living in their uni cities, studying and doing little more, I graduated and travelled, I taught in Wales, I worked in England, I did some four jobs before landing here, I read and thought, I studied and learnt more about the world, and myself, and who I want to be, and what I like and what I would like to know more, and the people around me.
I am now back to reading, the Pleasure of pleasures, I am back to singing (I had almost forgotten how to sing, folks, how sad to think), I am nearly back to writing (my personal therapy to maintain sanity, and another Pleasure of pleasures) when time will allow (i.e., after Prague), and I am back to loving.
So, fact number two which shrink wanted to see was if on that side I had made any step forward, seen as on the other sides there have been improvements: I have a clearer idea of what I want to do (teach), a half idea of how to do it (teaching courses, plus I can apply to public schools and evening schools), and moving, leaving home is not a problem anymore, actually I’m finally back to that feeling of “must-go-and-get-free”, which I was feeling before getting trapped into the car-debt and what followed. Before becoming someone that was not me. Now, as I mentioned before, I may be on the way to look for someone to love, and may have found him already: we are exchanging texts, and we have nearly “risked” to spend a whole day together at the BookFair, last Sunday. He is kind and sweet, and I have thought of him often, these days. When I am back from Prague I will see that we meet more often. One thing I have promised to myself (and to the shrink) is that I am not going to hide anymore.
The theme of hiding was recurrent during all my life, and it doesn’t need a specialist that I hide to protect myself from the fear of being refused or hurt. That it depends on bad experiences of my past or what, it is of no importance, now. It must not be of any importance anymore. I have a couple of mantra that I should repeat over and over, to convince myself of something that deep inside I already know.
But this is material for instalment number two. And I must really post all this mess before I leave!!!
…so, to continue…
Apparently I cannot really apply to teach for state schools because I only have half exam when a whole one is needed…which makes me wonder…how did Mama friend get into the list, sees as she has the same exams I have???
Anyway…the solution is already here, though: part one, we (Unions’ guy and I) apply all the same by presenting only the list of exams, and the schools will be in charge of investigating to see if it’s a one-semester or one year-exam…Part two, I enrol for a single course at uni and get the missing semester (or missing exam, I have a few options) while waiting, and then I register and try to pass the exam for the teaching school.
Pragmatically, I will find the missing info on the teaching school (I already have some, it’s just slightly confusing..but that’s just the way Italy is, sadly..), then I will print the list of my uni exams, and find the info on single courses at uni, finally I will present my application in the schools.
In the meantime, I already have a long list of public schools that can do what they like and that is where I will start from, by sending my cv, as soon as I am back from Prague. Tomorrow I will find more schools (the list so far includes schools from five counties, I need a couple more to enlarge the field of possibilities). Also, when I am back from Prague I will see teacher friend to give her my cv, because maybe she can help me somehow in a public school of our valley.
Little by little, folks, but things are moving!
On the gym side, because it’s awfully hot outside, but we keep working out, I am sweating on the matt three evenings a week, and tonight I got my personal plan updated with lots of stuff for tummy and core stability: a whole hour spent crunching and pulling the fitball and moving back and forth while trying not to fall…keep your abs contracted, baby, they told me, you’re doing great!
Yeah. I am.
Tomorrow (or should I say today, as tomorrow IS today while I’m posting this) I am not teaching and so the plans are to finish here, have a nice run, maybe do the chores in the afternoon, prepare the clothes and stuff to pack, and read some more. Also, watch C.S.I., take a look at tomorrow’s lessons, do my nails (a-hem…), and maybe write a letter. I am thinking a lot about David, these days, and I really need to tell him all about my life at the moment. Sharing my pieces of mind with him is a refreshing action; there are some more people who should receive news from me, and I have promised I will do it soon. So, all I’m saying is, as always: keep the faith!
I am in the best possible mood now, and I would love to share my thoughts, my light, my happiness with all my beloved. Reach my hands out to you all, and hold you.
As I’m writing this it’s nearly 10.30 pm, and I have a book waiting for me, 200 pages to the end.
It feels so good.
It’s been an incredible time, and yet it has all been so ordinary…I have been teaching and teaching, working out, going by bike, as said before I’ve been to the White City (for nothing, really…), and I have received my final payslip with an enormous amount of money for the end of my work there…I’ve never seen all those money together, and probably will not see it again for a long time..but I intend to make good use of what I have now, and sort my life properly.
So, first of all about the meeting with my shrink today: a very positive time. I am living this good period, this sunlight, this days filled of lessons and home, and bike and errands, and concrete plans, and peaceful thoughts on where to lead my life. And the shrink got it all. The Transformation Game did nothing but take out of me things I already had, already knew, Socrates-like. It gave me more consciousness on my resources and my possibilities, it filled me with hope and practical advice on myself, on my life. And as I said today, I am a warrior. I have always been. In the past months I have lost myself so bad that I had changed inside, forgetting what it was like to be me. Of course I have changed a lot during the years, but my me, the one that is now writing these lines, is closer to what I used to be: optimistic, loud, energetic, messy. My light is back.
Practical thoughts that have accompanied me along this short yet long way: most of my friends (my same age or slightly younger) have taken ages to graduate, some of them finished three or even four years after me. While they virtually wasted their time by just living in their uni cities, studying and doing little more, I graduated and travelled, I taught in Wales, I worked in England, I did some four jobs before landing here, I read and thought, I studied and learnt more about the world, and myself, and who I want to be, and what I like and what I would like to know more, and the people around me.
I am now back to reading, the Pleasure of pleasures, I am back to singing (I had almost forgotten how to sing, folks, how sad to think), I am nearly back to writing (my personal therapy to maintain sanity, and another Pleasure of pleasures) when time will allow (i.e., after Prague), and I am back to loving.
So, fact number two which shrink wanted to see was if on that side I had made any step forward, seen as on the other sides there have been improvements: I have a clearer idea of what I want to do (teach), a half idea of how to do it (teaching courses, plus I can apply to public schools and evening schools), and moving, leaving home is not a problem anymore, actually I’m finally back to that feeling of “must-go-and-get-free”, which I was feeling before getting trapped into the car-debt and what followed. Before becoming someone that was not me. Now, as I mentioned before, I may be on the way to look for someone to love, and may have found him already: we are exchanging texts, and we have nearly “risked” to spend a whole day together at the BookFair, last Sunday. He is kind and sweet, and I have thought of him often, these days. When I am back from Prague I will see that we meet more often. One thing I have promised to myself (and to the shrink) is that I am not going to hide anymore.
The theme of hiding was recurrent during all my life, and it doesn’t need a specialist that I hide to protect myself from the fear of being refused or hurt. That it depends on bad experiences of my past or what, it is of no importance, now. It must not be of any importance anymore. I have a couple of mantra that I should repeat over and over, to convince myself of something that deep inside I already know.
But this is material for instalment number two. And I must really post all this mess before I leave!!!
…so, to continue…
Apparently I cannot really apply to teach for state schools because I only have half exam when a whole one is needed…which makes me wonder…how did Mama friend get into the list, sees as she has the same exams I have???
Anyway…the solution is already here, though: part one, we (Unions’ guy and I) apply all the same by presenting only the list of exams, and the schools will be in charge of investigating to see if it’s a one-semester or one year-exam…Part two, I enrol for a single course at uni and get the missing semester (or missing exam, I have a few options) while waiting, and then I register and try to pass the exam for the teaching school.
Pragmatically, I will find the missing info on the teaching school (I already have some, it’s just slightly confusing..but that’s just the way Italy is, sadly..), then I will print the list of my uni exams, and find the info on single courses at uni, finally I will present my application in the schools.
In the meantime, I already have a long list of public schools that can do what they like and that is where I will start from, by sending my cv, as soon as I am back from Prague. Tomorrow I will find more schools (the list so far includes schools from five counties, I need a couple more to enlarge the field of possibilities). Also, when I am back from Prague I will see teacher friend to give her my cv, because maybe she can help me somehow in a public school of our valley.
Little by little, folks, but things are moving!
On the gym side, because it’s awfully hot outside, but we keep working out, I am sweating on the matt three evenings a week, and tonight I got my personal plan updated with lots of stuff for tummy and core stability: a whole hour spent crunching and pulling the fitball and moving back and forth while trying not to fall…keep your abs contracted, baby, they told me, you’re doing great!
Yeah. I am.
Tomorrow (or should I say today, as tomorrow IS today while I’m posting this) I am not teaching and so the plans are to finish here, have a nice run, maybe do the chores in the afternoon, prepare the clothes and stuff to pack, and read some more. Also, watch C.S.I., take a look at tomorrow’s lessons, do my nails (a-hem…), and maybe write a letter. I am thinking a lot about David, these days, and I really need to tell him all about my life at the moment. Sharing my pieces of mind with him is a refreshing action; there are some more people who should receive news from me, and I have promised I will do it soon. So, all I’m saying is, as always: keep the faith!
I am in the best possible mood now, and I would love to share my thoughts, my light, my happiness with all my beloved. Reach my hands out to you all, and hold you.
As I’m writing this it’s nearly 10.30 pm, and I have a book waiting for me, 200 pages to the end.
It feels so good.
Labels: the usual chaos, weekend
posted by Peggy @ 10:16 PM
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