So...let's sum things up

Update. Although I don’t feel much like writing. But I keep on thinking that it can only be good for me.
I am very, very, very depressed. I’ve forced myself to go to the gym, and I have seen a couple of friends too, plus I am giving lessons of English now, and all this is helping.
No, I’m not down for the job: actually, I am very calm about it, because I feel and I am convinced that it is the best choice.
I am seeing this shrink now, and what happens now is that instead of having flying thoughts that bring me down every now and then, I have constant thoughts that bring me to tears and push me down to the bottom, where the only thing I seem able to do is dig and dig. Mother is very worried and I am only trying to climb up.
The following things don’t really help:
- seeing library friend who’s still sad about me not going to her wedding; plus, while we were there, mother came to pick me up and go home together, and she looked at the pictures of friend’s wedding, and so found out that I had not gone to the wedding; all this led to me saying that I have been depressed for quite a while, making her even more worried and sad at the thought that I have been feeling this bad without her knowing so that she could never help me;- seeing the shrink and having this constant bad feeling that I should be a grown-up person whereas I probably look like a mummy’s daughter because of my attachment to her; it’s true, I should leave and set free. But still, it hurts to think that I am staying here out of some selfish unconscious reason like the need to be needed, as shrink said yesterday. Anyway, I know I should leave. That is why I have left my job, right? Because I need to be free and find my way, wherever and whatever that is.
- Apparently the way towards happiness is marked with depressing thoughts and anguishing thoughts too. So I think and think and think, and nothing makes me feel better. It is also a vicious circle, because I don’t feel like going out or see people, but this makes me spend a lot of time with mum, and things get even harder.

One of the things that made me think after seeing the shrink was her question of my femininity (which obviously – and banally, I must say – led to a question on my sexuality): so ok, I am not a constant girlie girl. I don’t wear make-up, I don’t wear skirts often, I don’t do anything with my hair, and now when I think of the reasons I can simply picture the expression that the shrink would have on her face: you know, the face of “yeah, right, as if I can buy that”. But honestly, let’s consider it:
I don’t make up because: I touch my face, especially my eyes, continuously. I rub my eyes, and rub my cheeks, and lick my lips on a constant basis; I scratch my forehead and when I am nervous I rub it so much that it becomes red in a minute. Plus, I am a sport person, you know! After the office I jump on the treadmill for hours, or spend hours at the gym and it’s no yoga, folks! I couldn’t be bothered to waste ten minutes on cleansing and rubbing off the make-up from my face, come on! I am too practical! But ok, I could care a little more when I go out with friends, like on Saturday night or at the band. Only, if I am at the band I am very laid-back, and so am I when I go out for a drink or something; I mean, I’m in no hunt. And I always think that beauty does not lie in a painted face.
I don’t wear sexy clothes because it is not my normal attitude. For one, I am not one who would go to the office in a mini skirt or transparent shirt..come on! Two, being so uncomfortable with my body I’d rather wear things that make me feel comfortable, you know? And the same thing applies to when I go shopping, say, and to the band: I’m going there to play, not to pull! However, when I go out on Saturday nights I do wear “nicer” stuff, but only if I feel well with myself.
I don’t do anything with my hair because I am useless. That’s it. I have tried thousand of times, but it’s just not my field, and my hair refuses to be tamed. The pony tail, fair; some sort of chignon, ok; straighten it when I am really up for wasting more than five minutes on it, fine. But there is no way I can do anything more than that. Don’t bother me now!

So all in all, the matter doesn’t lie in my possible lack of femininity, but in my being uncomfortable with my body: when I feel fine, and less fat than usual, I like to dress properly, and I even make up my face (only to spend the following two or three hours with the constant reminder that I cannot touch my face…).
The shrink annoyed me a few times during the session, and since it is not the first time she did it, I started to think that maybe it is her way to prompt thoughts over one self. She did really annoy me when she asked me if I’ve ever thought about being gay. I was waiting for that question, knowing that if we were investigating over my bad relationship with people we would talk about my family and my sexuality, so after the question on femininity I am surprised she did not ask me straight away about my tendency. However when I said that no, I have never considered the idea of being gay, she replied that I should think about it, and then went on a banal speech on how it is easier for men to realise their homosexuality because of the physical reactions, and bla bla bla. I was not fast enough to reply: “Listen, lady: I have spent a total of three years and a half being in love with the same person: male. I have chosen university not to be too far from him (and from my friends, but that’s another story); I have moved to England to get over him, when I realised that there was no hope and never had been. While in England, I half fell in love with another man and had a quick crush on two more. And after that, I’ve had crushes on three more people – men, one of which was no longer than 6 months ago. I know, it doesn’t mean anything. But still, there’s some sort of electricity I feel…and it happens only with men. Case closed”.
It annoys me to being forced to talk about sex, because I don’t really think you can bring everything down to that. And since I know my personal history, I believe that the equation goes like this:
Fatty child being made fun of since 5 = bad feeling with body = uncomfortable feeling with myself and as a consequence with the other people.
I see no sex around in this, do you?

Anyway. Case closed, as I said. The next session at the shrink involves some sort of Monopolis game, called “the game of transformation”, and I am curious about it. I would also like to do that Reiki session we have out off because she preferred to continue with our chat. But then, I think, I will end. I mean, I am not going to give up. I only think that most of my problems of depression come from having made the wrong choices; but the tiny giant step of leaving my job and start thinking about myself, with a free mind and no worries about car instalments or money for the house, well, that’s all I had to do. And so, I give myself another two or three sessions with the shrink, and then I will say goodbye.
In the meantime, I already have three people for my lessons, and plans to get to teaching, if I can and am lucky enough. But there is no hurry. I have also plans of getting down to serious writing, now that I have the time, and think about my future with a calmer mind, and no hurry to find whatever job I can only because I have stuff to pay. And this, folks, is an incredibly good feeling.

So, see? Things are not to bad all in all. I mean, I swift from depression to optimism as usual, but I have the time to recover, and above all, I have a peace of mind I have lacked for so long I had almost forgotten what it felt like. This can’t be bad.

I am leaving for Trieste tomorrow morning, for a long weekend with a couple of friends. And I am going to the band tonight. And I am running today, after the 8.30 lesson.
And when I am back from Trieste it will be May, and the beginning of a calm, careful, peaceful planning of my future.

Things look bright today, and I plan to keep them this way.