I've been tagged!
I've been tagged by Rigmor, which is kind of exciting! And so I should write eight things about me...
After a superbusy day at work preceded by yet another sleepless night, here is what my mind has come up with:
1. I am, and never have been, satisfied with myself: there is always something wrong, be it my job, my look, my mind, anything. I am a schizophrenic, neurotic butterfly, yes. But somehow this is good because my never being satisfied makes me be always on the move, always looking for something, even when I don't have a clue of what I'm looking for. Which is like U2 singing "I still haven't found what I'm looking for" (not my favourite song from U2, though). Sometimes I think that the missing piece in my life that would make everything else look right is...yes, you guessed right, I'm talking of L-O-V-E. But my pessimistic side refuses to be deceived by these ideas, even in these over-romantic times.
2. The character who reflects what I feel most of the times nowadays is Samwise Gamgee. Torn between his love for the Shire and his affection and sense of duty towards his master. Me, I am torn between this life in a small town, with my closest friends, a full-time job, my little things, and the exciting feeling of living somewhere else, doing some other job, trying to find my way. Every experience's got good and bad sides, but I always tend to remember the good ones only (don't we all). So I end up feeling frustration and a sense of being chained...but because I've chosen to be chained! So, back to number one of the list: I am a neurotic, schizophrenic butterfly.
3. I am also an obsessed, solitary loony. Nothing new here. But sometimes I wish I could tell all the awful experiences I've had in the past, and how my memory is exceedingly good, and how my emotional me has always stood up after being kicked down. However, all this has brought me to be this introverted, think-too-much person, when I remember being a happy crazy child and girl. I am also one who looks back with anger and nostalgia at things not done or not said, or done and said at the wrong time, to the wrong person. Therefore, here is my new old me, a frightened pup in the rain. And still I won't say or do things that may cause any harm to my fragile me (like talking to somebody I like for more than 2 minutes).
4. Methods I use when I need to cry my heart out before starting again: listening to the "Adagio Doloroso" from Vivaldi; watching "The Hours"; thinking of how I will never be loved and will never have a baby; thinking of the time when my mother will not be here anymore (but rather than cry, this thought stresses me out so much that tears come out of tension, not just emotional pain); thinking of the love I have buried somewhere in me and am too scared to show or give; thinking of children crying. Yes, I'm not just a schizophrenic neurotic butterfly, I'm a masochist, schizophrenic, neurotic butterfly.
5. Methods I use to cheer myself up or just have a refill of energy: listening to any song from Queen (particularly those from Queen I and II); playing any band song loud in my room; playing with the band (ah, the good ol' times); see my friends; well...running, of course!; walking in the woods and in the streets of my town (autumn and winter only..more romantic); set down an action plan or a draft for a story; tidy my messy room while listening to very loud music.
6. I wish I could be more involved in things; anything, really, from the decision at the band to political stuff. I wish I knew more of all that's going on, because I always feel blindfolded, with things happening around me that I can't see. I wish I knew more about history, to understand this messy present time; I wish I knew more about geography, and chemistry, and astronomy, and physics; I wish I had enough time to read all the books I have of history, sociology, politics...
7. One of my greatest pleasures is to cook for somebody I love: that's why I cannot wait to live by myself, so that I can organise dinners and lunches for my friends. What's nicer than an evening with your friends, music and food? (A-hem...this is a rhetorical question, mind...).
8. I like celebrating birthdays; not just mine (!), anybody's birthday. I think it is the most important day for a person, and should be celebrated properly. I do my best to send cards, or emails, I even make phone calls (!), and I am usually the one who buys the present, because I am so concerned over the nicest possible thing to buy with a limited budget...
So, task accomplished, and although I think I have been very serious in the first points, I am quite satisfied.
And now, for something completely different, I would like to announce two things:
Number one, I am officially back to writing - more details will follow;
Number two, I am almost done with the brainwashing process: I can tell by my depressed feeling last night, which felt almost exactly like the realisation that it was over for he-who-must-not-be-named, some years ago. As I told my friend, I've learnt my lesson, and have given up before it was too late.
What happens now? Don't know, really...I just go on with my job, my running, my books, my writing, my friends, and, as I said before, the rest is silence.
After a superbusy day at work preceded by yet another sleepless night, here is what my mind has come up with:
1. I am, and never have been, satisfied with myself: there is always something wrong, be it my job, my look, my mind, anything. I am a schizophrenic, neurotic butterfly, yes. But somehow this is good because my never being satisfied makes me be always on the move, always looking for something, even when I don't have a clue of what I'm looking for. Which is like U2 singing "I still haven't found what I'm looking for" (not my favourite song from U2, though). Sometimes I think that the missing piece in my life that would make everything else look right is...yes, you guessed right, I'm talking of L-O-V-E. But my pessimistic side refuses to be deceived by these ideas, even in these over-romantic times.
2. The character who reflects what I feel most of the times nowadays is Samwise Gamgee. Torn between his love for the Shire and his affection and sense of duty towards his master. Me, I am torn between this life in a small town, with my closest friends, a full-time job, my little things, and the exciting feeling of living somewhere else, doing some other job, trying to find my way. Every experience's got good and bad sides, but I always tend to remember the good ones only (don't we all). So I end up feeling frustration and a sense of being chained...but because I've chosen to be chained! So, back to number one of the list: I am a neurotic, schizophrenic butterfly.
3. I am also an obsessed, solitary loony. Nothing new here. But sometimes I wish I could tell all the awful experiences I've had in the past, and how my memory is exceedingly good, and how my emotional me has always stood up after being kicked down. However, all this has brought me to be this introverted, think-too-much person, when I remember being a happy crazy child and girl. I am also one who looks back with anger and nostalgia at things not done or not said, or done and said at the wrong time, to the wrong person. Therefore, here is my new old me, a frightened pup in the rain. And still I won't say or do things that may cause any harm to my fragile me (like talking to somebody I like for more than 2 minutes).
4. Methods I use when I need to cry my heart out before starting again: listening to the "Adagio Doloroso" from Vivaldi; watching "The Hours"; thinking of how I will never be loved and will never have a baby; thinking of the time when my mother will not be here anymore (but rather than cry, this thought stresses me out so much that tears come out of tension, not just emotional pain); thinking of the love I have buried somewhere in me and am too scared to show or give; thinking of children crying. Yes, I'm not just a schizophrenic neurotic butterfly, I'm a masochist, schizophrenic, neurotic butterfly.
5. Methods I use to cheer myself up or just have a refill of energy: listening to any song from Queen (particularly those from Queen I and II); playing any band song loud in my room; playing with the band (ah, the good ol' times); see my friends; well...running, of course!; walking in the woods and in the streets of my town (autumn and winter only..more romantic); set down an action plan or a draft for a story; tidy my messy room while listening to very loud music.
6. I wish I could be more involved in things; anything, really, from the decision at the band to political stuff. I wish I knew more of all that's going on, because I always feel blindfolded, with things happening around me that I can't see. I wish I knew more about history, to understand this messy present time; I wish I knew more about geography, and chemistry, and astronomy, and physics; I wish I had enough time to read all the books I have of history, sociology, politics...
7. One of my greatest pleasures is to cook for somebody I love: that's why I cannot wait to live by myself, so that I can organise dinners and lunches for my friends. What's nicer than an evening with your friends, music and food? (A-hem...this is a rhetorical question, mind...).
8. I like celebrating birthdays; not just mine (!), anybody's birthday. I think it is the most important day for a person, and should be celebrated properly. I do my best to send cards, or emails, I even make phone calls (!), and I am usually the one who buys the present, because I am so concerned over the nicest possible thing to buy with a limited budget...
So, task accomplished, and although I think I have been very serious in the first points, I am quite satisfied.
And now, for something completely different, I would like to announce two things:
Number one, I am officially back to writing - more details will follow;
Number two, I am almost done with the brainwashing process: I can tell by my depressed feeling last night, which felt almost exactly like the realisation that it was over for he-who-must-not-be-named, some years ago. As I told my friend, I've learnt my lesson, and have given up before it was too late.
What happens now? Don't know, really...I just go on with my job, my running, my books, my writing, my friends, and, as I said before, the rest is silence.
posted by Peggy @ 9:43 AM
1 Comments:
At 10:33 AM,
Rigmor said…
Wehey, you did it. I often think we are quite similar in many ways and your blog kind of reinforces that for me, and as such it was a shame that we lived in the same place for such a short period of time.
But I can totally relate to most of your points, with special emphasis on number 1,2, 3 and 6. As for birtdays: you are welcome to help celebrate over here anytime you like. I have to admit i am rubbish at remembering dates, though.
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