Catching up
Part One - December, 11th
More work in progress.. though only in my mind.
I am just back from another strange unsettling weekend, made of early wakes to the smell of black coffee and toast with marmalade, endless running, endless reading, and a rainy day spent wandering in the city with shop-a-holic friend and our random chat.
I have also been thinking and having epiphanies, one after the other, images streaming in my mind and waiting to be written down. My writer's notebook is going to be filled with ideas for that story that soon or late will see the light, properly. (Start planned on January 2007)
At the moment I am just desperately counting the days that separate me from the most longed holidays of the year, that season when all I want to do is cuddle up in my armchair (call it "my"...) with a book and classical music, and possibly sunny but freezing weather outside, like it is today.
Unsettling weekend, I have written, though it was unsettling only in that my mind has been overworking again, somehow seeing things as if they happened not to me, but to some estranged body that I happen to be confined in, not feeling it entirely mine, while slow hours have been flowing silently on my skin to be soon forgotten.
Part Two - December, 15th
There are moments I would like to remember, and this is why I write.
Last night I arrived slightly on time (as in, not early, not late, but not at 8.30 sharp. I was there in that limbo of time when some people are already there but the organisers of the event are not even in their car on the way).
I met the two girls I usually see on my gym nights. One of them at last asked me if I remembered her from high school, and we started chatting and remembering our past friendship; we ended up sitting at the same table with mother's colleague, and talking, updating our lives, chatting and laughing with our neighbouring friends. Our pizzas arrived on the table after 10 pm, and by then we were only half-way done with the things to say. The chatter in the room was unbelievable and unstoppable, all I could notice around me was the flash of a camera going around and taking pictures: it was the B&S guy's digital camera.
He arrived to our table and took a picture of us. He chatted amiably, joking, stopping here and there to talk more. When my pizza arrived I poured mountain of spice on it, because I love spicy food. The B&S guy and Ex-Possible-Prey were there, and joked on spice being an aphrodisiac, so mother's colleague said "well, she's single, she can afford that!", and I laughed, we all did, then they called the S&S guy, being my personal trainer, to continue with the joke, but all I wanted was to receive or give some sort of hint to the B&S guy that I would have liked HIM to be with me then.
The evening went on, and when desserts came the B&S guy took his plate and came over to me to ask me if all was ok, softly, almost whispering, as his hand touched my shoulder.
I ate my chocolate cake with pleasure, we cheered a few times, and then there was the lottery, where for every prize that was going to be drawn, Ex-Possible-Prey shouted to me that I was going to win it, and I hadn't even bought a ticket...We laughed and cheered as the prizes were given one after the other, then we decided it was time we went home. So up we stood, and put on our coats, and headed for the door, in the crowd of people going in and out, stopping to chat and say goodbye.
I wanted to say goodbye to the B&S guy but couldn’t bring myself to do it, because it would have looked suspicious, but my newly-found friend wanted it too, him being her personal trainer, so we found him and she said goodbye to him, receiving three kisses. I didn't expect to receive them too, I confess. I still think that everything I do shows how much I like him, and that wanting to kiss him goodbye would have proved once more that my interest for him is higher. But then he looked at me and bent over, to kiss me three times. I felt the warm beautiful roughness of his skin, for he had not shaved, I felt his hands on my arms as he pulled me gently to him. He said "Thank you, Peggy", and kissed me, I said "Thank YOU". I turned to leave, and he said "bye bye then", taking me by my left arm and my right shoulder, and my only instinct was to take his hand, when instead I should have turned to him to say goodbye once more.
I received three more kisses from Ex-Possible-prey, who said that they wanted me to win a price, and that next time I certainly will. We said goodbye, and outside the restaurant me and the newly-found friend from the past said goodnight and left.
Part Three - December, 18th
I still think about it. I still feel his unshaved dark cheek on my blushing cheek, his hands on my arms, I still hear his voice. When we met on Friday night, as I was there to work out before the xmas dinner with the people from work, we said hello, smiled to each other, joking on how there were quite a few people there that night to work off the chocolate cake of the night before. I worked out quickly and heavily, I showered and changed, I went to the reception in a hurry, flustered and excited, and when I left I heard somebody say goodbye to me, so I naturally turned towards the place where the B&S guy usually works with his “bad” patients. I think it wasn’t him who said goodbye, but the Ex-Possible-Prey. However, B&S guy turned toward the door and said goodbye too, smiling.
Oh, I can’t stop thinking of how sweet, and lovely, and sweet again he is and was on Thursday night, when he kissed me, and the image won’t leave my mind, and words fail me whenever I have to describe the truly electrical storm that went through me.
There is one more week before the gym closes for xmas holidays, and I have two more chances to see him and chat to him. I would like to invite him to the concert, or somewhere else, I imagine him there, talking to me, smiling sweetly the way he does when we talk, his eyes focusing, his face concentrating before opening in a big smile. I am glad I have the possibility to give the guys a present because they will “reward” me with hugs and kisses. Don’t you love xmas too?
Last night I did not sleep much. I went to sleep after eleven, thinking of how beautiful it would be if he came to the concert and spent some time with me, if we kissed, if we could just look at each other and be content. I tried to go back to sleep at 4 o’clock, then spent a couple of hours reading, dreaming, inventing words and moments.
So today I am not going to run, but it’s ok, because I did run a lot on Saturday and on Sunday too. I am going, then, to go buy a present for a friend of ours, then a couple of nice cups I’ve seen on discount in a fancy shop, and then I will go home and cook my special cinnamon cookies. At first I thought I would give the boys a cd, something like a “xmas @ the gym” compilation, then I thought better of it and kept the cd for myself, because I am not ready for such an intimate present like a cd that gives myself away so easily. I would buy chocolates and sweets, but handmade stuff is always better in my opinion, because I can really put all my love and affection into it.
I thought of how dog-like I sound and feel when I do these things: I cook, I think of presents, I plan occasions to make something special, and I am ready to sacrifice all myself for a kiss, a hug, a smile, a simple “thank you”.
Anyway, on with the recollection of the weekend.
As I said, after a good Thursday night, and the kisses from the B&S guy, and my tired body immersing into the warmth of my bed, I woke up on Friday thinking “Come on, just one more day and it will be over”. My boss was extra angry because we are packed with things to do, but I obviously cannot double myself and be in his office taking notes and in my office preparing offers and answering emails at the same time…which no, he has not realised yet…After lunch I ran to work, stopping to the mall to look at cute necklaces for a graduation present for musical friend, then ran for the rest of the afternoon from office to office, as my computer was being replaced with a really cooler one! It is right here, and I am typing on a supacool keyboard while looking at a supasupacool flat screen and breathlessly admiring the speed I can open files and download emails. Yey!
Anyway, I managed to run away earlier, buy the present, and be at the gym right on time, where I happily greeted the S&S guy with these words: “You have 75 minutes to torture me, then I have to go!”.
I got changed, and jumped on the cross-trainer. He arrived a minute later, and…now this is my impression, mind. But he approached and moved closer to me, the way one would move closer to kiss somebody, if only a greeting kiss on the cheek. It was so clear and plain to me that I thought, maybe I should stop, kiss him and get back to working.
Anyway.
We talked about the dinner, and went on with the program of the day, “since you know you are my very favourite, tonight you can choose what you want me to make you do”…
More than an hour later, I was showering and preparing for the dinner, all excited and in a hurry.
The night went…well. I am surprised, I didn’t think I would have such fun, but you know what?
Wine.
That was the trick.
It all started by me thinking “ok, I’ll have a glass of this wine, which I’m sure I won’t like, but at least they won’t say that I haven’t tried and then I’ll go on with water as my good me always does”.
But.
The wine was fantastic: pure silky heaven down my throat. And long before any sort of food was brought on the table…So I surpassed everyone at the table, and am now looked at with awe by the workers of the factory downstairs who were shocked by the sight of me, perfectly normal after all that wine.
Now…here’s the secret: I was very drunk.
I mean VERY drunk.
And I could tell by the way my eyes were reacting: the vision would come to my mind a lot later than the movement of my eyes, with some sort of cinematic special effect. But when it comes to hiding the effects of alcohol on me, if only to avoid behaving like an idiot, I am the best actress on stage. So, apart from a bit of giggling, all was normal. Walking, talking, moving..no problem.
God bless my body and its quick recovery, though…for after feeling not so great once at home and in a horizontal position (but that lasted five minutes, before I fell asleep) the morning after I felt slightly dizzy, and only for about half an hour, the time for a yogurt and a cup of coffee. Then, as if nothing happened, and I could run, and clean my room, and tidy the huge mess scattered around it, I even played for a while before going to play as a little shepherdess with the people of the band.
I did hope the B&S guy would be there, since it was a xmas celebration offered by the council to the sport associations of the town as a general thanks for the work done during the year (a-hem…yes, it’s election time soon, you can tell). But no, only Ex-Possible-Prey and Blondie were there, and anyway, we played for less than half hour, so, no big deal.
I think about him, and it’s an obsession I’d like to get rid of. Like, this Saturday bride-to-be friend is going to become married-friend, and I am dreading the day, since I will be alone and probably will have to share the table with two ex-uni friends who will possibly spend the day telling me about their great busy successful lives as rich business/researcher women, both engaged, so I expect the fiancés to be there too, and boy, do I really want to spend a day like this? I have had the permission from bride-to-be to bring anyone to the wedding, though. Friend, boyfriend, whoever I wish. I wish I could bring B&S guy, but that would be quite a stretch…I will try to find somebody, though, if only to have something more to say in between the courses.
Boy, I HATE WEDDINGS!
Anyway, good news to be added on this post: my boss has left the office and we may be lucky enough not to see him again before Wednesday, then he will be away on Thursday too! Maybe we could be even luckier, and get Friday afternoon off…Maybe we could be even super-luckier and not see him again before next year…
ANNND, we have received the xmas present here at work, and boy I am a lucky fairy! It is a gym bag, of a light bluish colour with grey strips, and it’s exactly what I planned to buy next month! So, I’ve just saved 35 euro, how cool is that? The bag was full of orgasmic things like coffee-chocolate beans, rice cookies, Belgian chocolates (which I don’t like, really, but mother’s on the moon), chocolate milk (which I don’t like either, to be honest, since I’m one for 85% dark chocolate) and delicious white wine…plus a sweet tiny gift, a small cat of the Thun collection, which is an expensive lovely brand of beautiful useless objects; well…the mugs ARE fab…Anyway, god bless my boss’s wife, whose expensive taste for xmas presents is always welcome!
And now, back to daydreaming and working (how is that? Well..split my brain in two and you have my current state: efficient office girlie and daydreaming fairy).
More work in progress.. though only in my mind.
I am just back from another strange unsettling weekend, made of early wakes to the smell of black coffee and toast with marmalade, endless running, endless reading, and a rainy day spent wandering in the city with shop-a-holic friend and our random chat.
I have also been thinking and having epiphanies, one after the other, images streaming in my mind and waiting to be written down. My writer's notebook is going to be filled with ideas for that story that soon or late will see the light, properly. (Start planned on January 2007)
At the moment I am just desperately counting the days that separate me from the most longed holidays of the year, that season when all I want to do is cuddle up in my armchair (call it "my"...) with a book and classical music, and possibly sunny but freezing weather outside, like it is today.
Unsettling weekend, I have written, though it was unsettling only in that my mind has been overworking again, somehow seeing things as if they happened not to me, but to some estranged body that I happen to be confined in, not feeling it entirely mine, while slow hours have been flowing silently on my skin to be soon forgotten.
Part Two - December, 15th
There are moments I would like to remember, and this is why I write.
Last night I arrived slightly on time (as in, not early, not late, but not at 8.30 sharp. I was there in that limbo of time when some people are already there but the organisers of the event are not even in their car on the way).
I met the two girls I usually see on my gym nights. One of them at last asked me if I remembered her from high school, and we started chatting and remembering our past friendship; we ended up sitting at the same table with mother's colleague, and talking, updating our lives, chatting and laughing with our neighbouring friends. Our pizzas arrived on the table after 10 pm, and by then we were only half-way done with the things to say. The chatter in the room was unbelievable and unstoppable, all I could notice around me was the flash of a camera going around and taking pictures: it was the B&S guy's digital camera.
He arrived to our table and took a picture of us. He chatted amiably, joking, stopping here and there to talk more. When my pizza arrived I poured mountain of spice on it, because I love spicy food. The B&S guy and Ex-Possible-Prey were there, and joked on spice being an aphrodisiac, so mother's colleague said "well, she's single, she can afford that!", and I laughed, we all did, then they called the S&S guy, being my personal trainer, to continue with the joke, but all I wanted was to receive or give some sort of hint to the B&S guy that I would have liked HIM to be with me then.
The evening went on, and when desserts came the B&S guy took his plate and came over to me to ask me if all was ok, softly, almost whispering, as his hand touched my shoulder.
I ate my chocolate cake with pleasure, we cheered a few times, and then there was the lottery, where for every prize that was going to be drawn, Ex-Possible-Prey shouted to me that I was going to win it, and I hadn't even bought a ticket...We laughed and cheered as the prizes were given one after the other, then we decided it was time we went home. So up we stood, and put on our coats, and headed for the door, in the crowd of people going in and out, stopping to chat and say goodbye.
I wanted to say goodbye to the B&S guy but couldn’t bring myself to do it, because it would have looked suspicious, but my newly-found friend wanted it too, him being her personal trainer, so we found him and she said goodbye to him, receiving three kisses. I didn't expect to receive them too, I confess. I still think that everything I do shows how much I like him, and that wanting to kiss him goodbye would have proved once more that my interest for him is higher. But then he looked at me and bent over, to kiss me three times. I felt the warm beautiful roughness of his skin, for he had not shaved, I felt his hands on my arms as he pulled me gently to him. He said "Thank you, Peggy", and kissed me, I said "Thank YOU". I turned to leave, and he said "bye bye then", taking me by my left arm and my right shoulder, and my only instinct was to take his hand, when instead I should have turned to him to say goodbye once more.
I received three more kisses from Ex-Possible-prey, who said that they wanted me to win a price, and that next time I certainly will. We said goodbye, and outside the restaurant me and the newly-found friend from the past said goodnight and left.
Part Three - December, 18th
I still think about it. I still feel his unshaved dark cheek on my blushing cheek, his hands on my arms, I still hear his voice. When we met on Friday night, as I was there to work out before the xmas dinner with the people from work, we said hello, smiled to each other, joking on how there were quite a few people there that night to work off the chocolate cake of the night before. I worked out quickly and heavily, I showered and changed, I went to the reception in a hurry, flustered and excited, and when I left I heard somebody say goodbye to me, so I naturally turned towards the place where the B&S guy usually works with his “bad” patients. I think it wasn’t him who said goodbye, but the Ex-Possible-Prey. However, B&S guy turned toward the door and said goodbye too, smiling.
Oh, I can’t stop thinking of how sweet, and lovely, and sweet again he is and was on Thursday night, when he kissed me, and the image won’t leave my mind, and words fail me whenever I have to describe the truly electrical storm that went through me.
There is one more week before the gym closes for xmas holidays, and I have two more chances to see him and chat to him. I would like to invite him to the concert, or somewhere else, I imagine him there, talking to me, smiling sweetly the way he does when we talk, his eyes focusing, his face concentrating before opening in a big smile. I am glad I have the possibility to give the guys a present because they will “reward” me with hugs and kisses. Don’t you love xmas too?
Last night I did not sleep much. I went to sleep after eleven, thinking of how beautiful it would be if he came to the concert and spent some time with me, if we kissed, if we could just look at each other and be content. I tried to go back to sleep at 4 o’clock, then spent a couple of hours reading, dreaming, inventing words and moments.
So today I am not going to run, but it’s ok, because I did run a lot on Saturday and on Sunday too. I am going, then, to go buy a present for a friend of ours, then a couple of nice cups I’ve seen on discount in a fancy shop, and then I will go home and cook my special cinnamon cookies. At first I thought I would give the boys a cd, something like a “xmas @ the gym” compilation, then I thought better of it and kept the cd for myself, because I am not ready for such an intimate present like a cd that gives myself away so easily. I would buy chocolates and sweets, but handmade stuff is always better in my opinion, because I can really put all my love and affection into it.
I thought of how dog-like I sound and feel when I do these things: I cook, I think of presents, I plan occasions to make something special, and I am ready to sacrifice all myself for a kiss, a hug, a smile, a simple “thank you”.
Anyway, on with the recollection of the weekend.
As I said, after a good Thursday night, and the kisses from the B&S guy, and my tired body immersing into the warmth of my bed, I woke up on Friday thinking “Come on, just one more day and it will be over”. My boss was extra angry because we are packed with things to do, but I obviously cannot double myself and be in his office taking notes and in my office preparing offers and answering emails at the same time…which no, he has not realised yet…After lunch I ran to work, stopping to the mall to look at cute necklaces for a graduation present for musical friend, then ran for the rest of the afternoon from office to office, as my computer was being replaced with a really cooler one! It is right here, and I am typing on a supacool keyboard while looking at a supasupacool flat screen and breathlessly admiring the speed I can open files and download emails. Yey!
Anyway, I managed to run away earlier, buy the present, and be at the gym right on time, where I happily greeted the S&S guy with these words: “You have 75 minutes to torture me, then I have to go!”.
I got changed, and jumped on the cross-trainer. He arrived a minute later, and…now this is my impression, mind. But he approached and moved closer to me, the way one would move closer to kiss somebody, if only a greeting kiss on the cheek. It was so clear and plain to me that I thought, maybe I should stop, kiss him and get back to working.
Anyway.
We talked about the dinner, and went on with the program of the day, “since you know you are my very favourite, tonight you can choose what you want me to make you do”…
More than an hour later, I was showering and preparing for the dinner, all excited and in a hurry.
The night went…well. I am surprised, I didn’t think I would have such fun, but you know what?
Wine.
That was the trick.
It all started by me thinking “ok, I’ll have a glass of this wine, which I’m sure I won’t like, but at least they won’t say that I haven’t tried and then I’ll go on with water as my good me always does”.
But.
The wine was fantastic: pure silky heaven down my throat. And long before any sort of food was brought on the table…So I surpassed everyone at the table, and am now looked at with awe by the workers of the factory downstairs who were shocked by the sight of me, perfectly normal after all that wine.
Now…here’s the secret: I was very drunk.
I mean VERY drunk.
And I could tell by the way my eyes were reacting: the vision would come to my mind a lot later than the movement of my eyes, with some sort of cinematic special effect. But when it comes to hiding the effects of alcohol on me, if only to avoid behaving like an idiot, I am the best actress on stage. So, apart from a bit of giggling, all was normal. Walking, talking, moving..no problem.
God bless my body and its quick recovery, though…for after feeling not so great once at home and in a horizontal position (but that lasted five minutes, before I fell asleep) the morning after I felt slightly dizzy, and only for about half an hour, the time for a yogurt and a cup of coffee. Then, as if nothing happened, and I could run, and clean my room, and tidy the huge mess scattered around it, I even played for a while before going to play as a little shepherdess with the people of the band.
I did hope the B&S guy would be there, since it was a xmas celebration offered by the council to the sport associations of the town as a general thanks for the work done during the year (a-hem…yes, it’s election time soon, you can tell). But no, only Ex-Possible-Prey and Blondie were there, and anyway, we played for less than half hour, so, no big deal.
I think about him, and it’s an obsession I’d like to get rid of. Like, this Saturday bride-to-be friend is going to become married-friend, and I am dreading the day, since I will be alone and probably will have to share the table with two ex-uni friends who will possibly spend the day telling me about their great busy successful lives as rich business/researcher women, both engaged, so I expect the fiancés to be there too, and boy, do I really want to spend a day like this? I have had the permission from bride-to-be to bring anyone to the wedding, though. Friend, boyfriend, whoever I wish. I wish I could bring B&S guy, but that would be quite a stretch…I will try to find somebody, though, if only to have something more to say in between the courses.
Boy, I HATE WEDDINGS!
Anyway, good news to be added on this post: my boss has left the office and we may be lucky enough not to see him again before Wednesday, then he will be away on Thursday too! Maybe we could be even luckier, and get Friday afternoon off…Maybe we could be even super-luckier and not see him again before next year…
ANNND, we have received the xmas present here at work, and boy I am a lucky fairy! It is a gym bag, of a light bluish colour with grey strips, and it’s exactly what I planned to buy next month! So, I’ve just saved 35 euro, how cool is that? The bag was full of orgasmic things like coffee-chocolate beans, rice cookies, Belgian chocolates (which I don’t like, really, but mother’s on the moon), chocolate milk (which I don’t like either, to be honest, since I’m one for 85% dark chocolate) and delicious white wine…plus a sweet tiny gift, a small cat of the Thun collection, which is an expensive lovely brand of beautiful useless objects; well…the mugs ARE fab…Anyway, god bless my boss’s wife, whose expensive taste for xmas presents is always welcome!
And now, back to daydreaming and working (how is that? Well..split my brain in two and you have my current state: efficient office girlie and daydreaming fairy).
posted by Peggy @ 4:30 PM
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