This is a confused post
I've noticed, but I knew it would happen, that my posts are increasingly depressing/depressed.
I find it normal, to be honest, because my diaries have always concentrated on my inner me, and my inner me is rarely a happy one. My outer me is a crazy, noisy, frantic fairy buzzing around, speaking too loud or too low, running and singing, joking and talking nonsense. I do like it this way, because it makes life a lot easier, lighter, brighter. I like being the one who's always cracking jokes, commenting ironically over things, laughing like mad during rehearsals, and jumping around the place, dancing in between the set of work-out I am assigned at the gym or while going from office to office with loads of papers to file.
I am schizophrenic, I know. I also don't like being too loud or too fast when I speak, because I end up saying silly things or saying too much, to the point I have to shut myself up and curse at myself for looking so superficial and noisy. But I am not, really. I tend to think too much over things, reflect on words and looks, remember gestures and tiny unimportant moments that could have meant something, or that I could have made more important by saying/doing something myself, etc.etc. You see the point: I'm paranoid!
It's all just a matter of a complex up-and-down game which I decide to act whenever I think it necessary.
Example: I tend to be extra depressed during xmas vacations, like many people do at this time of the year (see: Christmas depression), but when I'm with my friends, even if they don't pay much attention to me (and how could they, busy as they are talking of all the presents they've received and given, and of the parties and meetings they're going to have or had), when I'm with my friends I want to be happy and I start singing xmas songs out of the blue, hugging them and pulling them to me to begin some dance - a-hem...I'll explain better: we are at the band, maybe during the break, and we are in a circle talking crap, so I decide it's time we move on and I take somebody to dance an impromptu waltz or a swing 50s song; this lasts for less than a minute, and then my unfortunate partner and I go back to the circle of friends and back to talking crap with the others.
...No, this doesn't make it sound any better...Anyway!
The point is, I have this aggressive/mad/cheerful attitude when I'm with people, like on Tuesday when I started singing "Moon dance" as it was playing at the radio, and I took my personal programme aka an ever changeable sheet of paper and used it as a microphone while waiting for the S&S guy to come back to me and show me yet another way to stretch my back.. People make me go mad, in a good way: I feel "younger", and stronger, and happier. Being with somebody, once I get used to new spaces and new people, is the best thing I can ask for. Company. And all that comes with it. I appreciate loneliness, look for it when I want to read, run, write, watch a movie, but all the other times, I love being with people. I am no hermit.
I think being this mad is a lot better than exercising with watery eyes and unsuccessfully holding back the tears: nobody likes to see a miserable-looking person around. Plus, pretending to be happy gives me a lot of energy and I can work out harder and better. Counter-side effect, I'm afraid I look slightly mental to those who are "simply" normal and act reasonably.
Of course the way I have described it may sound a bit weird: but I really have this energy and happiness, deep inside of me, which I desperately try to pull out from under some thick heavy layer of darkness and sadness. I go to the extremes, in that I am not just happy: I am loud and jumping and screaming and over-talkative and over-energetic. I am not just sad: I am desperate beyond imagination, an inch away from suicide, if it weren't from that ray of light down under which constantly struggles to get out, and screams and screams and screams to be heard, so that I actually hear some strange echo resounding in me and a vague kind of strength pulling me when I reach the bottom and start to dig. So I stop digging, look up, and start climbing back.
But.
Since I am now in the Climbing Stage, I see things in a positive way: I plan, I study, I search, I work. I try not to think about bad things and past things I cannot change, about future things that cannot happen. I try to concentrate on here and now, day by day.
Boy, I hate that.I like thinking of myself in the future, and changing the scene as ideas and feelings take over my rational me.
But the future is now.
I find it normal, to be honest, because my diaries have always concentrated on my inner me, and my inner me is rarely a happy one. My outer me is a crazy, noisy, frantic fairy buzzing around, speaking too loud or too low, running and singing, joking and talking nonsense. I do like it this way, because it makes life a lot easier, lighter, brighter. I like being the one who's always cracking jokes, commenting ironically over things, laughing like mad during rehearsals, and jumping around the place, dancing in between the set of work-out I am assigned at the gym or while going from office to office with loads of papers to file.
I am schizophrenic, I know. I also don't like being too loud or too fast when I speak, because I end up saying silly things or saying too much, to the point I have to shut myself up and curse at myself for looking so superficial and noisy. But I am not, really. I tend to think too much over things, reflect on words and looks, remember gestures and tiny unimportant moments that could have meant something, or that I could have made more important by saying/doing something myself, etc.etc. You see the point: I'm paranoid!
It's all just a matter of a complex up-and-down game which I decide to act whenever I think it necessary.
Example: I tend to be extra depressed during xmas vacations, like many people do at this time of the year (see: Christmas depression), but when I'm with my friends, even if they don't pay much attention to me (and how could they, busy as they are talking of all the presents they've received and given, and of the parties and meetings they're going to have or had), when I'm with my friends I want to be happy and I start singing xmas songs out of the blue, hugging them and pulling them to me to begin some dance - a-hem...I'll explain better: we are at the band, maybe during the break, and we are in a circle talking crap, so I decide it's time we move on and I take somebody to dance an impromptu waltz or a swing 50s song; this lasts for less than a minute, and then my unfortunate partner and I go back to the circle of friends and back to talking crap with the others.
...No, this doesn't make it sound any better...Anyway!
The point is, I have this aggressive/mad/cheerful attitude when I'm with people, like on Tuesday when I started singing "Moon dance" as it was playing at the radio, and I took my personal programme aka an ever changeable sheet of paper and used it as a microphone while waiting for the S&S guy to come back to me and show me yet another way to stretch my back.. People make me go mad, in a good way: I feel "younger", and stronger, and happier. Being with somebody, once I get used to new spaces and new people, is the best thing I can ask for. Company. And all that comes with it. I appreciate loneliness, look for it when I want to read, run, write, watch a movie, but all the other times, I love being with people. I am no hermit.
I think being this mad is a lot better than exercising with watery eyes and unsuccessfully holding back the tears: nobody likes to see a miserable-looking person around. Plus, pretending to be happy gives me a lot of energy and I can work out harder and better. Counter-side effect, I'm afraid I look slightly mental to those who are "simply" normal and act reasonably.
Of course the way I have described it may sound a bit weird: but I really have this energy and happiness, deep inside of me, which I desperately try to pull out from under some thick heavy layer of darkness and sadness. I go to the extremes, in that I am not just happy: I am loud and jumping and screaming and over-talkative and over-energetic. I am not just sad: I am desperate beyond imagination, an inch away from suicide, if it weren't from that ray of light down under which constantly struggles to get out, and screams and screams and screams to be heard, so that I actually hear some strange echo resounding in me and a vague kind of strength pulling me when I reach the bottom and start to dig. So I stop digging, look up, and start climbing back.
But.
Since I am now in the Climbing Stage, I see things in a positive way: I plan, I study, I search, I work. I try not to think about bad things and past things I cannot change, about future things that cannot happen. I try to concentrate on here and now, day by day.
Boy, I hate that.I like thinking of myself in the future, and changing the scene as ideas and feelings take over my rational me.
But the future is now.
posted by Peggy @ 4:52 PM
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