New Year's Resolutions
I know it is super early for this...Today I am writing to clear the confuse whirl in my head.
A new list of random thoughts and researches and results from this morning's messy trip on the net:
- There are quite a few interesting paths out there...I could pick one and see where it leads me. The idea is to follow what I like, rather than focus on a future gain. Of course, a PhD won't take me far, but still, I will be a lot more satisfied with my books than with orders and delivery terms and a moody boss...
- The consequence is that I have another seven months to plan things properly. Why seven? Random number, really! I only mean that the academic year has started and so I must wait till next year, and June/July is an appropriate time to start looking around and preparing papers and enrolling, and all that jazz.
- Also, from a financial point of view, I will have some more money..I have just paid off my car, which means that from now on I have no more expenses for it, if you exclude insurance and taxes. Which are not extremely high anyway. So this is cool. I have just tried to make a prospect of what I will earn and what I will spend next year, and I would like to stick to this saving program where apart from the odd book or mug or contribution for somebody's birthday present, I will not spend a penny on anything, so I should arrive at the end of 2007 with..oh, quite a lot of money...
- The decision is then to hold on for some more months, saving money, dedicating myself to the gym and the writing and reading, literally preparing for the master/PhD I would like to take, therefore cutting the time wasted over reruns of "House" or "Scrubs" (I am one for medical dramas, you can tell), and use it for all the books I want/need/must read in preparation for the sort of things I want to do in a few months' time.
- Attention please: what about those job applications I found this morning?
...........................................Well............................
I guess I will not apply, because I cannot stand a chance and it would only be a waste of time and energy and hope. I'd rather keep my hope for something more important and interesting and suitable for me, like...the PhD.
- In all this, a problem rises: the house? I guess I should inform mother about my ideas. Also, I can tell it won't be easy/100% sure that I'll do that PhD (sad but true, I don't know anyone who can "give me a hand" to pass the entry tests...so I am not likely to be admitted in the first place); however, at least letting mother know that I could be doing something unexpected could be nice on my side.
- This sounds vaguely familiar...in fact, I remember doing this before, and it was last summer, some time before I went to the gym and started my craze over the B&S guy. Back then, I was concentrating on finding MY way, a level of satisfaction that I knew I couldn't achieve with this kind of job. Also, it drives me nuts with anger the thing that the chief of the lab said yesterday, when he said that here I cannot really hope for a career. I knew that, dumb ass! And it came to me that I was saying the same thing to my friend: this kind of job is ok for somebody who has something beyond, like all my colleagues here, who go home to their families every night. Me? I don't have anybody. So why should I spend my life here when there really is nothing here for me? I wish I could hope on a long-term relationship with the B&S guy, but chances are that I would wait and my hair would helplessly get grey and my neurotic me would wrinkle and dissolve silently...and alone. So what's the point?
This really feels like some sort of anticipated New Year's resolution (something I have never done, honestly, because it makes me feel stupid), but it feels better because it fills me with energy and strength.
For now though, and I have said this before, it is only a matter of waiting, and preparing. Patience.
Which is not my strong point.
I guess I'll have to start again with those flowers of Bach...(Impatiens is mine, in case you wonder...).
A new list of random thoughts and researches and results from this morning's messy trip on the net:
- There are quite a few interesting paths out there...I could pick one and see where it leads me. The idea is to follow what I like, rather than focus on a future gain. Of course, a PhD won't take me far, but still, I will be a lot more satisfied with my books than with orders and delivery terms and a moody boss...
- The consequence is that I have another seven months to plan things properly. Why seven? Random number, really! I only mean that the academic year has started and so I must wait till next year, and June/July is an appropriate time to start looking around and preparing papers and enrolling, and all that jazz.
- Also, from a financial point of view, I will have some more money..I have just paid off my car, which means that from now on I have no more expenses for it, if you exclude insurance and taxes. Which are not extremely high anyway. So this is cool. I have just tried to make a prospect of what I will earn and what I will spend next year, and I would like to stick to this saving program where apart from the odd book or mug or contribution for somebody's birthday present, I will not spend a penny on anything, so I should arrive at the end of 2007 with..oh, quite a lot of money...
- The decision is then to hold on for some more months, saving money, dedicating myself to the gym and the writing and reading, literally preparing for the master/PhD I would like to take, therefore cutting the time wasted over reruns of "House" or "Scrubs" (I am one for medical dramas, you can tell), and use it for all the books I want/need/must read in preparation for the sort of things I want to do in a few months' time.
- Attention please: what about those job applications I found this morning?
...........................................Well............................
I guess I will not apply, because I cannot stand a chance and it would only be a waste of time and energy and hope. I'd rather keep my hope for something more important and interesting and suitable for me, like...the PhD.
- In all this, a problem rises: the house? I guess I should inform mother about my ideas. Also, I can tell it won't be easy/100% sure that I'll do that PhD (sad but true, I don't know anyone who can "give me a hand" to pass the entry tests...so I am not likely to be admitted in the first place); however, at least letting mother know that I could be doing something unexpected could be nice on my side.
- This sounds vaguely familiar...in fact, I remember doing this before, and it was last summer, some time before I went to the gym and started my craze over the B&S guy. Back then, I was concentrating on finding MY way, a level of satisfaction that I knew I couldn't achieve with this kind of job. Also, it drives me nuts with anger the thing that the chief of the lab said yesterday, when he said that here I cannot really hope for a career. I knew that, dumb ass! And it came to me that I was saying the same thing to my friend: this kind of job is ok for somebody who has something beyond, like all my colleagues here, who go home to their families every night. Me? I don't have anybody. So why should I spend my life here when there really is nothing here for me? I wish I could hope on a long-term relationship with the B&S guy, but chances are that I would wait and my hair would helplessly get grey and my neurotic me would wrinkle and dissolve silently...and alone. So what's the point?
This really feels like some sort of anticipated New Year's resolution (something I have never done, honestly, because it makes me feel stupid), but it feels better because it fills me with energy and strength.
For now though, and I have said this before, it is only a matter of waiting, and preparing. Patience.
Which is not my strong point.
I guess I'll have to start again with those flowers of Bach...(Impatiens is mine, in case you wonder...).
posted by Peggy @ 4:55 PM
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