I used to read at night
Now I play sudoku.
But first:
I would be a terrible mother.
Today my little neighbours came to see me, my children.
We played, and I drank my coffee, and we didn’t have time to make some fake coffee with lots of milk for them; the little one jumped around the kitchen and was happy to chat with me about her new Barbie watch.
Then I had to leave for work, so the little one said she wanted me to drive her up the hill like I usually do; we went downstairs and I opened the garage and said they had to stay still while I took the car out; something happened as I was doing this, and the next thing I know is that the little one is looking at me from the top of the street and she’s crying. So I go to her, and she jumps in my arms, and we go close the garage, while I ask what happened, and “who made you angry?”, with my mum-tone, and she is crying in a way that her mouth is open wide as if she wanted to scream but she cannot even breath, and she crumbles the piece of paper we’ve been testing the pens on a moment before. I put her in the car and give her my toy lion to cuddle while I drive uphill. When she gets out of the car I say goodbye, and she runs to her house, then she turns and looks at me and I wave. She just looks at me, and I know she’s still looking when I leave.
I drive to work feeling so bad.
I remember the time when she wanted to come home with me but her mother forbid her, and so I said goodbye and went to open the door, and I looked at her from the terrace to the street where she was, and she was looking at me and crying in that same way, holding her breath with her mouth open wide, and my heart broke into pieces and I had to go down and cuddle her and play with her a bit more.
I would spoil my children to infinity, in that I would cuddle them, and play with them, and hold them and spend all my time with them, and I would not care about anything or anyone else.
For the way things are now, however, I can only hope that my little one doesn’t grow too fast, or I won’t be able to lift her.
On to other subjects, I received an e-mail from the guy of the band I have complained about a few times (no, I don’t feel like putting any link about it). He’s a nice guy. I understand his constant tormenting people with his ideas and projects, because he is a believer, and we are…a lot less.
He probably doesn’t remember, but he did something for me once, for which I will always be grateful.
I had to explain my emotional situation, which is a bad excuse for lots of things, but still, I am trying to control myself now, and being in an UP mood things are not going too bad.
That said…I’ve spent another sleepless night, and reduced myself to playing sudoku for more than an hour because I couldn’t be bothered to go downstairs for a cup of hot milk. I should read, damn!, but this brain training thing has really got me and I spend hours every day playing and exercising (still crap at the multiple calculations, though.. My mathematical mind is NOT going to improve, ever!).
My mind is also occupied with all the things to do at home, since we should (hopefully) begin the works in a month, and there are lots and lots and lots of boxes to fill and put away, and furniture to move.
So last night, after an hour of sudoku, I thought about the following plan (my housemaid mind buzzing with ideas):
- tomorrow, since we have a meeting at 7.30 and therefore I cannot run, I can pack some more books for at least half an hour;
- on Saturday I can clean the windows upstairs (which would require about 1 and a half hour…at 10 minutes per window...) and then clean the rest of the house (I have moved a few things from the bathroom to my room to make more space beforehand, how clever of me! Now my room, which is the smallest place of the house, is also the most crowded place ever seen in a house: treadmill between the bed and the table, music drawer and chest under the table, shoe drawer where the music drawer was - the only free space left, in front of my bed-, my stereo on the shoe drawer - the coolest solution! I wish that drawer were full of books, though…-, and oh, did I mention that a bookshelf fell on me the other week? As I was looking for a scarf at 7.30 in the morning? It wasn’t exactly a bookshelf: it’s a shelf in my closet, which should have kept bed-sheets and such, but everywhere else being crowded I was using it to keep my books on cinema, my complete Shakespeare, a huge glass dish I received as a Christmas present two years ago from work and a huge…glass dish I received from my participation to a wedding three years ago. So picture me as I see this hell of things dangerously sliding down as I open the closet, and my blurred mind (7.30 a.m., people, remember) vaguely communicating the message to my arms to let everything but the glass dishes fall …so while my arms are protecting what’s fragile, my head happily (or not) welcomes the fall of Shakespeare and of “A Mirror of the Times – English Literature and Society”…and good morning again! But I have sidetracked as usual).
- I guess I won’t finish the chores on Saturday, because I also want to go for a walk and to go out in the evening, so I will finish on Sunday morning, and I will also finish the packing of the books (three more boxes left, I would say). In all this, I want to run, continue my book (which will be started tonight, as soon as I have decided what I want to read…), play with my brain training, and think about my Future, in terms of: the house that will be; the expenses that may be required from me for it; my decision to enrol for a second degree and the money involved in this project; and my father (haven’t talked to him, not even to say hello. I would do it in the evening, when mother is also there, because in a way it feels that if he doesn’t respond, then I will have a witness to understand that I am perfectly right in what I am doing. Do I sound mad?).
That’s pretty all. I have a busy yet eventless week ahead, so I better go back to work now. But first, I will find some drawings to colour for my child, so when she comes and see me tomorrow I will have a present to make her smile.
But first:
I would be a terrible mother.
Today my little neighbours came to see me, my children.
We played, and I drank my coffee, and we didn’t have time to make some fake coffee with lots of milk for them; the little one jumped around the kitchen and was happy to chat with me about her new Barbie watch.
Then I had to leave for work, so the little one said she wanted me to drive her up the hill like I usually do; we went downstairs and I opened the garage and said they had to stay still while I took the car out; something happened as I was doing this, and the next thing I know is that the little one is looking at me from the top of the street and she’s crying. So I go to her, and she jumps in my arms, and we go close the garage, while I ask what happened, and “who made you angry?”, with my mum-tone, and she is crying in a way that her mouth is open wide as if she wanted to scream but she cannot even breath, and she crumbles the piece of paper we’ve been testing the pens on a moment before. I put her in the car and give her my toy lion to cuddle while I drive uphill. When she gets out of the car I say goodbye, and she runs to her house, then she turns and looks at me and I wave. She just looks at me, and I know she’s still looking when I leave.
I drive to work feeling so bad.
I remember the time when she wanted to come home with me but her mother forbid her, and so I said goodbye and went to open the door, and I looked at her from the terrace to the street where she was, and she was looking at me and crying in that same way, holding her breath with her mouth open wide, and my heart broke into pieces and I had to go down and cuddle her and play with her a bit more.
I would spoil my children to infinity, in that I would cuddle them, and play with them, and hold them and spend all my time with them, and I would not care about anything or anyone else.
For the way things are now, however, I can only hope that my little one doesn’t grow too fast, or I won’t be able to lift her.
On to other subjects, I received an e-mail from the guy of the band I have complained about a few times (no, I don’t feel like putting any link about it). He’s a nice guy. I understand his constant tormenting people with his ideas and projects, because he is a believer, and we are…a lot less.
He probably doesn’t remember, but he did something for me once, for which I will always be grateful.
I had to explain my emotional situation, which is a bad excuse for lots of things, but still, I am trying to control myself now, and being in an UP mood things are not going too bad.
That said…I’ve spent another sleepless night, and reduced myself to playing sudoku for more than an hour because I couldn’t be bothered to go downstairs for a cup of hot milk. I should read, damn!, but this brain training thing has really got me and I spend hours every day playing and exercising (still crap at the multiple calculations, though.. My mathematical mind is NOT going to improve, ever!).
My mind is also occupied with all the things to do at home, since we should (hopefully) begin the works in a month, and there are lots and lots and lots of boxes to fill and put away, and furniture to move.
So last night, after an hour of sudoku, I thought about the following plan (my housemaid mind buzzing with ideas):
- tomorrow, since we have a meeting at 7.30 and therefore I cannot run, I can pack some more books for at least half an hour;
- on Saturday I can clean the windows upstairs (which would require about 1 and a half hour…at 10 minutes per window...) and then clean the rest of the house (I have moved a few things from the bathroom to my room to make more space beforehand, how clever of me! Now my room, which is the smallest place of the house, is also the most crowded place ever seen in a house: treadmill between the bed and the table, music drawer and chest under the table, shoe drawer where the music drawer was - the only free space left, in front of my bed-, my stereo on the shoe drawer - the coolest solution! I wish that drawer were full of books, though…-, and oh, did I mention that a bookshelf fell on me the other week? As I was looking for a scarf at 7.30 in the morning? It wasn’t exactly a bookshelf: it’s a shelf in my closet, which should have kept bed-sheets and such, but everywhere else being crowded I was using it to keep my books on cinema, my complete Shakespeare, a huge glass dish I received as a Christmas present two years ago from work and a huge…glass dish I received from my participation to a wedding three years ago. So picture me as I see this hell of things dangerously sliding down as I open the closet, and my blurred mind (7.30 a.m., people, remember) vaguely communicating the message to my arms to let everything but the glass dishes fall …so while my arms are protecting what’s fragile, my head happily (or not) welcomes the fall of Shakespeare and of “A Mirror of the Times – English Literature and Society”…and good morning again! But I have sidetracked as usual).
- I guess I won’t finish the chores on Saturday, because I also want to go for a walk and to go out in the evening, so I will finish on Sunday morning, and I will also finish the packing of the books (three more boxes left, I would say). In all this, I want to run, continue my book (which will be started tonight, as soon as I have decided what I want to read…), play with my brain training, and think about my Future, in terms of: the house that will be; the expenses that may be required from me for it; my decision to enrol for a second degree and the money involved in this project; and my father (haven’t talked to him, not even to say hello. I would do it in the evening, when mother is also there, because in a way it feels that if he doesn’t respond, then I will have a witness to understand that I am perfectly right in what I am doing. Do I sound mad?).
That’s pretty all. I have a busy yet eventless week ahead, so I better go back to work now. But first, I will find some drawings to colour for my child, so when she comes and see me tomorrow I will have a present to make her smile.
posted by Peggy @ 3:37 PM
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