Thinking and considering and wondering and...
...My week hasn't really started that well...I walk from home to work, a good way to start the day, get moving, start thinking, etc. Ok. Yesterday I woke up and thought I would take my rain coat, just in case, because the sky was looking pretty bad...By the time I was at the Level, I had discovered the real meaning of the idiom "being whipped by the rain"...By the time I reached Hove, a very soaked and freezing me had stopped meditating and started praying for a cup of hot tea, possibly a blanket, and a cosy bed to lie in for the rest of the day.
What I had, instead, was yes, a cup of tea. And then a hectic and confusing lesson with two new members joining our small class, and a good 1:1 with my Lithuanian guy, who's happy to talk about almost anything. Good. By then, of course, the sun had come out, and although windy, the day looked a lot better. I spent the rest of the afternoon at the library, and then walked home, only to stop at Sainsbury's for bananas and salad, and there I met Ian leaving the supermarket as I was going in. I didn't stop, just waved hello, what was the point? I had nothing to tell him, and surely he would have felt obliged to tell me something, and no, I don't like it.
Went home, had dinner (had had nothing to eat all day, only tea and more tea), then went to my room and worked for a while, got a call from dad, had a hot shower, and read for the rest of the night. I also got a message from Ian, but it seems to me, at times, that he just texts out of kindness, that in this case he would not have texted if we hadn't seen out of the supermarket earlier on. So. What's the point in replying.
I am worried about him, yes. Still. He takes an awful lot of time to adjust to things, and he gets worried about so many things, and so heavily too, even the smallest thing can built up in his mind like some troublesome circumstance that puts him under pressure, and makes him feel bad, and literally wears him out. I don't know what to do. I had texted him while walking in the rain, suggesting lists, which is the best therapy I know. I would have suggested talking, to me or to his parents, then I thought that he wants to do things by himself, he is as independent as I am, he doesn't want any help. Boy, we are so alike. It is painful sometimes. I seriously understand everything that goes on in that beautiful, cryptical mind of his. It is like reading my own. And I am still worried. Worried because he is supply teaching, which is good news (=money), and bad news, because it means having to think about lesson plans and stuff; worried because on thursday and friday he must go to London and he would probably rather spend the day in a library doing some research, although he is going to do some important and useful things in London; worried because I don't know how he's feeling, if he's still ill, if his body is tired, or his mind is, or both. Worried because...because. And I keep on thinking. Funnily enough, the tormenting images of our beautiful time in Sussex in July are...well, not fading, but getting smaller, moving to the back of my head, in some remote dusty place where there are some more beautiful moments, currently collecting dust and being silent, in this small place where things cannot move, cannot be stirred, lest they awaken too much pain in me. I am praying, every day, to have the courage to accept what I cannot change. To accept this.
It is almost working.
Finally, I am thinking about my future, but am too tired to do it. All I know is that I have this job, which I love, and my application for the master is "awaiting consideration", so who knows, I may be accepted. All I know is that I will have this job until December, and probably my contract will be renewed in January, which means money, and a job that I love, for a while; all I know is that if my application is accepted I will have the possibility, at last, to study something that I deeply love and am interested in, and to start a "career" in this field, maybe think about a Phd, who knows. All I know is that tomorrow I am teaching pronunciation and phrasal verbs to my low-intermediate group, and I have no idea of what to talk about with my Lithuanian student...
What I had, instead, was yes, a cup of tea. And then a hectic and confusing lesson with two new members joining our small class, and a good 1:1 with my Lithuanian guy, who's happy to talk about almost anything. Good. By then, of course, the sun had come out, and although windy, the day looked a lot better. I spent the rest of the afternoon at the library, and then walked home, only to stop at Sainsbury's for bananas and salad, and there I met Ian leaving the supermarket as I was going in. I didn't stop, just waved hello, what was the point? I had nothing to tell him, and surely he would have felt obliged to tell me something, and no, I don't like it.
Went home, had dinner (had had nothing to eat all day, only tea and more tea), then went to my room and worked for a while, got a call from dad, had a hot shower, and read for the rest of the night. I also got a message from Ian, but it seems to me, at times, that he just texts out of kindness, that in this case he would not have texted if we hadn't seen out of the supermarket earlier on. So. What's the point in replying.
I am worried about him, yes. Still. He takes an awful lot of time to adjust to things, and he gets worried about so many things, and so heavily too, even the smallest thing can built up in his mind like some troublesome circumstance that puts him under pressure, and makes him feel bad, and literally wears him out. I don't know what to do. I had texted him while walking in the rain, suggesting lists, which is the best therapy I know. I would have suggested talking, to me or to his parents, then I thought that he wants to do things by himself, he is as independent as I am, he doesn't want any help. Boy, we are so alike. It is painful sometimes. I seriously understand everything that goes on in that beautiful, cryptical mind of his. It is like reading my own. And I am still worried. Worried because he is supply teaching, which is good news (=money), and bad news, because it means having to think about lesson plans and stuff; worried because on thursday and friday he must go to London and he would probably rather spend the day in a library doing some research, although he is going to do some important and useful things in London; worried because I don't know how he's feeling, if he's still ill, if his body is tired, or his mind is, or both. Worried because...because. And I keep on thinking. Funnily enough, the tormenting images of our beautiful time in Sussex in July are...well, not fading, but getting smaller, moving to the back of my head, in some remote dusty place where there are some more beautiful moments, currently collecting dust and being silent, in this small place where things cannot move, cannot be stirred, lest they awaken too much pain in me. I am praying, every day, to have the courage to accept what I cannot change. To accept this.
It is almost working.
Finally, I am thinking about my future, but am too tired to do it. All I know is that I have this job, which I love, and my application for the master is "awaiting consideration", so who knows, I may be accepted. All I know is that I will have this job until December, and probably my contract will be renewed in January, which means money, and a job that I love, for a while; all I know is that if my application is accepted I will have the possibility, at last, to study something that I deeply love and am interested in, and to start a "career" in this field, maybe think about a Phd, who knows. All I know is that tomorrow I am teaching pronunciation and phrasal verbs to my low-intermediate group, and I have no idea of what to talk about with my Lithuanian student...
Labels: Love, mind and heart, the usual chaos
posted by Peggy @ 6:16 PM
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