I am a (scared and confused) fighter
Are we still together, I ask myself.
I got out of the house at 6.30 this morning, after another sleepless night, confused and tired. I walked all the way down western road, and when I saw bus 49 passing me by, at the time I thought I would see him, I thought I really saw him, preparing to get off. In a way, I wish I was at the bus stop, sitting on a bench and pretending to work, pretending not to see him. Then I thought that I would have looked like some psycho from “fatal attraction”, and was glad I had missed him.
I arrived at school and met my boss, who asked me how I was. Tired, I replied, didn’t get much sleep last night. Oh, I’m sorry, he said. Is it common? No, it isn’t. oh, is anything the matter? Yes, my boyfriend and I are having some kind of a break. Oh, well, I can see how that can definetely put you off, he replied again. And as I started making photocopies, tears ran down my face, uncontrolled. Then again, after my one to one, as I was preparing my second 1:1, I texted him, to ask him how his day was going, asking him if he had decided when we would meet again. I felt so stupid and helpless. I saw my reflection in the window, such sadness in my eyes. He replied almost instantly, asking if it was ok to meet tomorrow after I finish work. I said ok, please meet me there. He said again, saying he would be there, and to try and be strong, to know that I am a very special and wonderful person. Later in the afternoon I got another message, where he hopes I was ok, and “will see you tomorrow at 4 as promised!”. What about this exclamation mark? What shall I think? Is he happy? Is he prepared to be with me again? Are we together or what? How can he have changed so quickly in less than two weeks? I read his card of the day I arrived in brighton, I read his texts of all these days here, together, and now I am asking myself what the hell is going on. And I am so scared, so confused. And I cannot see him before tomorrow afternoon, at four o’clock. Thank God I have so much to do. Thank God I have to work and prepare my lesson, thank God I have had a good feedback from my observation, so I could spend some time feeling good about what I am doing, and I could receive mum’s call and speak normally for a bit. I don’t feel well at all. I am broke, alone, and my heart is broken.
I’ll see what happens tomorrow. My questions to him:
- Are we still together? As in, are we still a couple?
- Are we together because you want us to be, and want this thing to grow?
And then, I know we both need more time for ourselves, less time together, especially while we are trying to sort things out, find a place to live, and all the other stuff. I understand, I know, I am prepared. But this thing we’ve got, this thing he has said is special (and he said it on Tuesday, so he is aware of it), this thing is too special to waste it. We must work on it, grow it, fight.
Fingers crossed. I feel so bad. I’ll walk home now, take a shower, try to relax again. Fingers crossed.
Fingers crossed.
I got out of the house at 6.30 this morning, after another sleepless night, confused and tired. I walked all the way down western road, and when I saw bus 49 passing me by, at the time I thought I would see him, I thought I really saw him, preparing to get off. In a way, I wish I was at the bus stop, sitting on a bench and pretending to work, pretending not to see him. Then I thought that I would have looked like some psycho from “fatal attraction”, and was glad I had missed him.
I arrived at school and met my boss, who asked me how I was. Tired, I replied, didn’t get much sleep last night. Oh, I’m sorry, he said. Is it common? No, it isn’t. oh, is anything the matter? Yes, my boyfriend and I are having some kind of a break. Oh, well, I can see how that can definetely put you off, he replied again. And as I started making photocopies, tears ran down my face, uncontrolled. Then again, after my one to one, as I was preparing my second 1:1, I texted him, to ask him how his day was going, asking him if he had decided when we would meet again. I felt so stupid and helpless. I saw my reflection in the window, such sadness in my eyes. He replied almost instantly, asking if it was ok to meet tomorrow after I finish work. I said ok, please meet me there. He said again, saying he would be there, and to try and be strong, to know that I am a very special and wonderful person. Later in the afternoon I got another message, where he hopes I was ok, and “will see you tomorrow at 4 as promised!”. What about this exclamation mark? What shall I think? Is he happy? Is he prepared to be with me again? Are we together or what? How can he have changed so quickly in less than two weeks? I read his card of the day I arrived in brighton, I read his texts of all these days here, together, and now I am asking myself what the hell is going on. And I am so scared, so confused. And I cannot see him before tomorrow afternoon, at four o’clock. Thank God I have so much to do. Thank God I have to work and prepare my lesson, thank God I have had a good feedback from my observation, so I could spend some time feeling good about what I am doing, and I could receive mum’s call and speak normally for a bit. I don’t feel well at all. I am broke, alone, and my heart is broken.
I’ll see what happens tomorrow. My questions to him:
- Are we still together? As in, are we still a couple?
- Are we together because you want us to be, and want this thing to grow?
And then, I know we both need more time for ourselves, less time together, especially while we are trying to sort things out, find a place to live, and all the other stuff. I understand, I know, I am prepared. But this thing we’ve got, this thing he has said is special (and he said it on Tuesday, so he is aware of it), this thing is too special to waste it. We must work on it, grow it, fight.
Fingers crossed. I feel so bad. I’ll walk home now, take a shower, try to relax again. Fingers crossed.
Fingers crossed.
Labels: Love, mind and heart
posted by Peggy @ 8:50 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home