I just want to leave ASAP
A few days have passed, and here is the latest news on..everything, really.
1. I have just had an angry bitter talk with mother about my decision to leave and my reasons, and the need for me to stop being controlled and criticised for what is entirely in my hands, the way it should be. This is my life, and it’s about time I followed this stream of happiness and confidence in the future, although I am also aware that things will not be easy: I know I’m not leaving for Wonderland, you know? But they don’t seem to understand that, and as for accepting it…Father called me a stupid arrogant a few times in the past days, and finally today he said something about me not giving him any satisfaction, ever, in the past, so he doesn’t expect me to behave any different now. Great. Thanks, dad. Just what I need to hear to leave this damned place with a peaceful mind and a serene heart. Anyway. Flights before August 15th are too expensive, so I am still leaving on the 21st, and I hope that these last 16 days will be bearable. I’m trying to spend as much time as possible away from the kitchen, though, which is where major conflicts usually arise in my family. And one wonders about my issues with food, hu?
2. I have found out that flipping BA won’t take my credit card, so I actually have to go to a travel agency and book the flight there. Great. But at least they will know everything (hopefully), including the maximum weight allowed and stuff. I plan to take about 30 kg of stuff with me, and I’ll travel to Gatwick or Heathrow. (Update: I have booked with Ryanair; cheaper, and 15 kg will do. New packing list to prepare, now…)
3. Tomorrow I must: call the woman for the room; go to travel agency; go to scan centre and get a copy of my degree scanned and saved somewhere so that I can attach it to my application form (stupid uni website still not working, and 4 days have passed already…).
4. I have also found out that I have a lot less money than I thought I had: oh, brother. It means that once I’ve bought the tickets to go to Brighton I will have about enough money to pay for a month’s rent, not including the deposit. I must ask for a loan from parents, which is something I’d rather not do. But I cannot hope to sell the car quickly enough for me to leave with some money in my account, so the idea would be that I get some money from parents and when the car is sold they take their money back and I take the rest of it. Doesn’t sound too bad, does it? Action will be taken on Wednesday, which is my day off when I can do a few more things (Monday and Tuesday I am working here at home as a non-paid, non-volunteer carpet cleaner…), including seeing Library Friend. I am seeing all my friends these days, and it is good also because it is a good excuse to spend a lot of time outside, especially dinner time…Is it possible that I cannot feel comfortable to sit at the table with my own family?
5. So far all my friends support my choice, although they probably get it the wrong way, as in: I’m moving to Brighton because of Ian. People! It’s not exactly like that! But yes, Ian is a big reason for my decision in favour of Brighton vs. other cities, I confess. It’s only in the choice of the location, though, not in anything else. Anyway, support is good, and it makes me feel even more confident about my choice. My heart is full of hope, and this cannot be wrong either.
6. Ian is wonderful. This is no news, is it? He is so incredibly sweet and I miss him so much. So much it hurts. It hurts so much that I cannot breathe. We have been exchanging letter via email in the past few days, and I have really been able to tell him things about myself that nobody has ever known before. He is so incredible. He is so wonderful. Ok, my task is to remember that he’s not perfect either, and I know, I know…;-) Only, he’s the sweetest person I’ve ever met, and I thank God every single moment of my day for giving me this chance to be happy. And I want him to be happy, I want to make him happy. We are a blessed couple, and these days apart are a good way to test our strength and feelings. And in a way I am happy, because I can see that we love each other, this thing is really special.
7. Last but not least, remember my decision to pursue my spiritual me, and find a space for my soul to breathe? Ian is the answer again. He is giving me hope, and showing me the way, and I am more confident. I look around me and I see things under a new light, and I feel light and good. My heart is opening. It is a new feeling and I am trying to understand it, but maybe I should just let it flow in me and live accordingly. And Ian is by my side. “Trusting we can be a source of encouragement and strength to each other for the future”. My wonderful Ian.
I will watch a movie now. No more internet for today, and tomorrow night more applications to be sent, and more things to write, some things to cross out of my list. Things will work out well, and I am confident; and thinking of Ian makes me happy, so can never wipe the smile off my face. Or off my soul. I am happy.
1. I have just had an angry bitter talk with mother about my decision to leave and my reasons, and the need for me to stop being controlled and criticised for what is entirely in my hands, the way it should be. This is my life, and it’s about time I followed this stream of happiness and confidence in the future, although I am also aware that things will not be easy: I know I’m not leaving for Wonderland, you know? But they don’t seem to understand that, and as for accepting it…Father called me a stupid arrogant a few times in the past days, and finally today he said something about me not giving him any satisfaction, ever, in the past, so he doesn’t expect me to behave any different now. Great. Thanks, dad. Just what I need to hear to leave this damned place with a peaceful mind and a serene heart. Anyway. Flights before August 15th are too expensive, so I am still leaving on the 21st, and I hope that these last 16 days will be bearable. I’m trying to spend as much time as possible away from the kitchen, though, which is where major conflicts usually arise in my family. And one wonders about my issues with food, hu?
2. I have found out that flipping BA won’t take my credit card, so I actually have to go to a travel agency and book the flight there. Great. But at least they will know everything (hopefully), including the maximum weight allowed and stuff. I plan to take about 30 kg of stuff with me, and I’ll travel to Gatwick or Heathrow. (Update: I have booked with Ryanair; cheaper, and 15 kg will do. New packing list to prepare, now…)
3. Tomorrow I must: call the woman for the room; go to travel agency; go to scan centre and get a copy of my degree scanned and saved somewhere so that I can attach it to my application form (stupid uni website still not working, and 4 days have passed already…).
4. I have also found out that I have a lot less money than I thought I had: oh, brother. It means that once I’ve bought the tickets to go to Brighton I will have about enough money to pay for a month’s rent, not including the deposit. I must ask for a loan from parents, which is something I’d rather not do. But I cannot hope to sell the car quickly enough for me to leave with some money in my account, so the idea would be that I get some money from parents and when the car is sold they take their money back and I take the rest of it. Doesn’t sound too bad, does it? Action will be taken on Wednesday, which is my day off when I can do a few more things (Monday and Tuesday I am working here at home as a non-paid, non-volunteer carpet cleaner…), including seeing Library Friend. I am seeing all my friends these days, and it is good also because it is a good excuse to spend a lot of time outside, especially dinner time…Is it possible that I cannot feel comfortable to sit at the table with my own family?
5. So far all my friends support my choice, although they probably get it the wrong way, as in: I’m moving to Brighton because of Ian. People! It’s not exactly like that! But yes, Ian is a big reason for my decision in favour of Brighton vs. other cities, I confess. It’s only in the choice of the location, though, not in anything else. Anyway, support is good, and it makes me feel even more confident about my choice. My heart is full of hope, and this cannot be wrong either.
6. Ian is wonderful. This is no news, is it? He is so incredibly sweet and I miss him so much. So much it hurts. It hurts so much that I cannot breathe. We have been exchanging letter via email in the past few days, and I have really been able to tell him things about myself that nobody has ever known before. He is so incredible. He is so wonderful. Ok, my task is to remember that he’s not perfect either, and I know, I know…;-) Only, he’s the sweetest person I’ve ever met, and I thank God every single moment of my day for giving me this chance to be happy. And I want him to be happy, I want to make him happy. We are a blessed couple, and these days apart are a good way to test our strength and feelings. And in a way I am happy, because I can see that we love each other, this thing is really special.
7. Last but not least, remember my decision to pursue my spiritual me, and find a space for my soul to breathe? Ian is the answer again. He is giving me hope, and showing me the way, and I am more confident. I look around me and I see things under a new light, and I feel light and good. My heart is opening. It is a new feeling and I am trying to understand it, but maybe I should just let it flow in me and live accordingly. And Ian is by my side. “Trusting we can be a source of encouragement and strength to each other for the future”. My wonderful Ian.
I will watch a movie now. No more internet for today, and tomorrow night more applications to be sent, and more things to write, some things to cross out of my list. Things will work out well, and I am confident; and thinking of Ian makes me happy, so can never wipe the smile off my face. Or off my soul. I am happy.
Labels: dreams and plans, family, Love, mind and heart
posted by Peggy @ 8:53 PM
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