Not exactly better, but...

Ok, ok…I resisted the temptation of deleting the super-depressive post…because this is the place where I (also and more often) talk about my feeling, and these mood swings happen very, very often. And honestly, life here is often hell, and seeing the days going by makes me feel desperate. Even when there are no apparent problem and it looks like the day is passing smoothly, something unexpected, and unpleasant, happens. Even my boss has noticed my reaction to this, and when it occurs he tends to be consoling, rather than angry, or at least he’s angry but says “this is not your fault”, because by now he’s understood that no, I cannot let things flow on me like water on a swam. It’s a romantic thought, but not possible.
But.
There is always something to look forward to, and act consequently, to make it a better life.
So, last Thursday I decided that from next January I’ll work part-time, and dedicate my afternoons to the following activities:

- give private lessons thanks to the cooperation of teaching friend (who I’m sure will pass some of her students to me)
- read more, write more, run more
- take long walks in the fresh air of winter, in the crispy air of autumn, in the light air of spring, even in the hot air of summer
- work more for mother’s second job, because I still cannot find the time and the mental peace to do it after eight hours in the office
- go back to play my saxophone more, and get to learn the bassoon well (we haven’t found a teacher yet…but my hopes are still high)
- live better

So now the countdown has virtually started, and the plan is that I let nine months pass (I “celebrate” my first two years here in November) and two days after that date I go to the boss and say “Hi! From January I’d like to work-part-time, thank you!”. There are also many reasons why they should not have problems to accept this, especially when we are two working on the same things, and often finding ourselves with nothing to do, at all, like last Friday, when I had so little to do that I could plan the weekend in Prague, and my summer holidays (we’re going to Budapest and Paris), plus I could find a beauty farm in northern Italy to go with work-a-holic friend (although I don’t think I’ll go, after all. See later for this), I e-mailed three friends, I started writing a post for my blog on the website of the band…you see the point: nothing to do whatsoever.
Mother is glad to hear my decision, which leaves me feeling light because I thought she wouldn’t like it at all, and ok, I have to pursue my happiness, but it would be good if I did it without worrying my mum. Who is fine with it, and actually likes my plan as it is (office + private lessons = enough money to survive and pay the “rent”), so everything’s fine. And we could walk and look at the stalls in the fair, on Thursday, with this good feeling of “everything is going to be alright”, and I bought a bag and a bracelet. So.

In other news, my new laptop is ace, and I have already watched a thousand movies on it, curled up in my bed, all happy. And more will follow. I have uploaded most of my music files (been “robbing” cd at the band and asking to have more so I can complete my selection, all tidy and classified), created a few writing files, and played Mahjong, which is interesting, I’ve always wanted to play it (ever since I read “The murder of Roger Ackroyd”).

During the weekend I have discussed about the costs for the works in the house, and I became slightly anxious about the issue: I should be able to give at least 5.000 Euro every year, which with mum’s share will make 10 grand a year, so in 5 years we’re done (because this is half the sum we need, and the other half is just ready to be used). I have to check on my income for this year and also, although approximately, on the income of next year with the part-time. Because the thing is, for a moment I thought that maybe it would be better not to go part-time before we finish to pay everything. But this morning, the first e-mail I opened was from my boss, virtually screaming for an order confirmation I had prepared together with one of the salesmen, who’s in charge of that area and usually does things without asking anybody about it. So all was right, I thought, and then I receive this angry e-mail on why I put the packing like that, and why didn’t I show him before, and all that crap, and all I could think was “FUCK!!!!!!”, because I’ve always prepared offers and confirmations with this guy and the boss has always said that he didn’t want to see them, that I had to show them to the salesman only, being for his area; then, about the packing, when I began working here I never wrote the packing by using the number of bags, to avoid more mistakes, and he’s always complained about it, now that I write the number of bags he gets cross and asks me why I did it??? Do I really deserve this? Eight hours a day? Five days a week? Even when he’s abroad? To the point that when he’s in Mexico or Korea he wakes up at 5 o’clock to call me and discuss the things to do, and possibly scream at me?

No, I don’t think I deserve this.

So, today being the “slow life” day (I cannot find articles in English about this thing...maybe tomorrow), and having heard and thought of how we should all live with less stress, and literally take it easy, I have decided the following: I don’t care about going part-time and earning less than I do now. I don’t care about having a 20-year long mortgage. Also since I am not going to retire ever, what with the new reforms and all, so why bother and feel suicidal all this time, and spend my Sundays slowly descending into depression at the thought of another 40 hours of work, and suffer from lack of sleep, and see my days go by and nothing accomplished? Why exactly?
So, I don’t care about earning less and paying for longer to pay off my debts, as long as I can live my day properly, dedicating time to myself the way it should be, and enjoying the sun, and the silence, and the snow when it snows, and having enough time for my house (when it’s ready), and more time for my mum so she has less to do (because I would have time for her second job and I could also keep her house clean so she wouldn’t have to worry about it and could rest more). This is what we were saying some years ago with a friend, that one cannot live for working, but work for living.
And a part-time job, and lessons, should give me just what I need. I am one of little ambitions, after all, because I only read, and watch movies, and run. I like travelling, and that can always be done without spending ludicrous amount of money. But most important, I would feel better, and there is nothing more valuable. What’s the point of earning money if you have to use it on anti-depressants and stuff?
This is the right choice to make.

And now, let me prepare the last details for my low-cost summer trip to Budapest and Paris…