Countdown

I need to sleep! Unbelievable how every year it's the same annoying story...But we won't talk about it, as I am so angry and tired and irritable that I could overdo...
I am trying to write, almost desperately.
On Friday night, sleepless for all the noise from the sport centre, I put my headphones on and I wrote a couple of pages, more of a brainstorm than anything. This story feels good...if only I could get anywhere with it...But now, after 3 sleepless nights and a lot of anger and frustration, I feel like a child, irritable and ready to cry, and I cannot even focus decently on things, which is probably going to cause trouble at work. I can't wait to leave and relax in Dublin. When I come back I will work seriously on the story and try to get somewhere, because the ideas are in the right place and I've got all I need, pen, paper, time.
I do wonder why I do it. I know I have no talent and my stories are only lines scribbled to empty my mind from the ghosts of the past. In a way, this is my therapy, and it has always worked, so I wonder if my change from the happy apparently careless noisy me of some years ago into this superficial angry irritable person is due to the lack of writing.
I am not even writing a diary anymore.
I have forgotten that a diary is not a place to write material things like what I have done and seen and all that, but a hidden room to store thoughts and feelings that are somehow filling me, to the point that everything is unbearable, now, overwhelming, and I understand I need to take every word out of me, free my mind, completely, and start from scratch. Then I will be fresh and ready for a new beginning, like after a long run, when I shower and wear fresh clothes and lie in the armchair in total peace.
So I guess this is going to be my task for the end of August, when I am back from all the holidays I have planned.
For one thing, I need to go back to a serious training with my running, and I count on a cooler weather, this time; I also plan to go swimming more often, especially since I think there will be the marathon soon. And then, let's stick to a diary and my stories with patience and care, no excuses. Movies in the weekend or mid-week at the cinema, and books after writing and in any other spare moment I get.
I wonder if I should write one of my weekly/monthly plans..but then it would be no use, since I always get mixed up with other unexpected things, and so all I can think is that whatever happens, I will try to write as often as possible, writing becoming my mental priority.

The heat is on

The title says it all, so I won't dwell on this lovely subject...
A new user on the chat I usually take part in, and we cannot find out who it is..
I have changed my username too, and although now they all understood who I am, it is fun to be someone else.
And have my nickname accepted feels good.
It also gives an interesting twist, now, since we are all involved in the search for the identity of this misterious guy...It makes me think of the good times when I was into the band, I mean I really was a part of it, involved in stories and trips and evenings out, and all.
Sometimes I feel it will never happen again, and that only by chatting can we recreate this feeling. Maybe it's just my paranoid me.
The first years in the band were something special and unforgettable, no matter what happened afterwards, even though it is an important part of the story, even though I ended up living in another country and being cut off from the rest of them, so when I came back it was no longer my world, and I had to start again. There is a reason for everything, so I am told. But I still haven't found that reason.
Maybe I should go deeper into this subject, but this is not the time. All this typing makes me sound suspicious...

Children

Update...
At last I made it and told my boss about not being here next Friday afternoon...I don't really think he understood, though...his mind was already somewhere else, so I guess it will be a surprise for him to see me go on Friday at twelve and not come back at two...
I feel slightly better today, after the horrible day yesterday. After all, it looked (it still does) like some after-the-apocalypse scenario, and it felt just as bad. We cannot go in or get out unless we have the key, because the main gate does not open, the ground is covered in white dust, the men working to clean the mess are aliens in grey masks and dirty blue suits, we will be without electricity all afternoon (which is good news, really...it means that at 11 we go home and we don't come back till tomorrow), the boss and the head of production are nervous and snappy...But it's incredible how things are being sorted out.
All the same, yesterday I went meet Nadia's baby, Daniele, 6 months old, and what a beautiful happy baby! It laughed, played, called for attention all the time but in a funny way, not crying or being loud like most children do. He looks like he's receiving all that he could ask for, and by the way his parents behave with him I can see how: they're crazy for him. Who would't be? If you don't madly love your own baby you cannot be human. And this makes me think that my neighbours, then, must come from some other planet...I'm surrounded by aliens! The way they treat their children, they always have...scream and shout and punish and mistreat and swear. I don't understand. Obviously, but then not so obviously, the children grow up and find it normal to treat their own children the way they were treated before. A few things I don't understand:
- family number one had 4 children. Ok, ignorance of the existence of methods not to get pregnant, together with what may be religious belief (but I've never seen them go to the church in 20 years) could be the reason of all these births, unless they really wanted four screaming brats to stuff into their super little house.
- first daughter gets pregnant at about 20(? - can't remember her age): do we call this ignorance again? Because she obviously did not want to have any baby as far as I can see: she mistreats and shouts at him, swears all the time when he, well, behaves like a child does, and she definetely is not prepared to spend her spare time with him, on the contrary, whenever she can she just leaves and goes out with friends. Maybe it's just me, but I would try to put things together, and surely in a week you can go out with friends and stay with your child without feeling sacrificed. And then again, if you really wanted the baby you would appreciate every moment of being with him/her, especially when they are so small and every day there is something new to share (words, stories, songs, whatever).
I don't understand.
Enough thoughts on a subject that shouldn't interest me that much, considering that after all I am the last person who can speak about it, being a childless single. And quite happy to be.

FIRE!

Great...Sunday afternoon, fire in the warehouse under the office...which meant holiday for us yesterday and this morning...I enjoyed taking my bike and going for a ride after almost two years, and reading and relaxing in the afternoon, and especially counting the days to the end of work when we can leave and go to Ireland.
Today, back to work, and so many things to do, but what worries me is:
- my boss will be in the worst of moods, and this is scaring the hell out of me. I can imagine that every single thing I will do will be wrong and make him even angrier, and I'm really NOT looking forward to seeing him, not for the rest of these two weeks...
- the note on the window about summer vacations has disappeared..now, I understand that the people downstairs will have to do extra shifts in order to keep up with the production, since so much has been burnt and we have so many orders to send...but surely we are not included in it? I mean, I have a flight on Friday, 4th!! And I mean to take it. Only, I wonder when I can ask my boss about the extra afternoon off I was meant to ask, my flight being at 8 p.m. on Friday 4th...Maybe I can wait for next Monday before asking...Maybe his mood will improve..(yeah, right).
Anyway...I wanted to talk about quite a few things, really, but these fire just made me feel nervous and strange, and I am still shaking.
Not pleasant, and now I must go back to all my paperwork. When is the weekend going to begin?

A blog virgin

Well, it will take me time, probably, to learn how to work this properly, and time is always a limited resource.
I have the feeling that this will be an endless monologue, which is basically what I usually do, so it makes sense, in a way. After all, since I never have time to write my diary at home, and I take breaks at work to write some sort of journal on my computer, it could as well be in a blog, right?
I am glad I found the "Harbor" theme, which reminds me of Virginia Woolf and the way I would like to write. I keep repeating to myself that I will find the time to do it, squashed (literally) between my work, and my runs, and my family and the little social life I happen to have.
For example, on a parents-away weekend, I get to spend almost all of Saturday with a friend I haven't seen for some months, to look at the pictures of her wedding. It's a nice plan and I need to relax and she is a lovely person, so I now it will all be allright. But my lazy me would make up some excuse and spend the day in an oddly silent house, reading and listening to the cicadas (a word I learn now..and I wonder if this is the right plural to it), secretly (but not very secretly) hoping for a storm...

Beginning

So, I'm a blogger now.
Thoughts and images fill my mind and I don't know where to begin.
I think it will be fun.