Update by instalments - one
(Monday, 19th)
It is the beginning of another week and these are the main issues I’d like to point out:
- taking anti-allergies pills sucks: I am so drowsy I can barely stand up. I look like I’m on drugs and I don’t even get the high side of it.
- I washed my car on Friday and guess what: it’s raining today! After some 6 months without rain! I just knew it would…
- …and the rain means also that taking anti-allergies pills is not worth because I don’t really need them now, since pollen is not around now.
- First thing I am told today at work from the secretary is “next time you take a day off tell me too, ok? Because we were here alone and we didn’t know where you were”. Now, I know I didn’t tell you PERSONALLY, but surely you’ve heard me talking for an entire week of how on Friday I would go for blood analysis and such, right? And didn’t that make you think that MAYBE I would not be in?
- An hour later I hear the same by Epg. As if she minded telling me about her not being in last week for a whole afternoon, or being in two hours later the day before. No comment.
- I ate a lot of chocolate yesterday! I was possessed, I swear! Ok, ok, on Saturday I spent the whole afternoon cycling and then went home on foot (2 km on a hill), and on Sunday I also walked 6 km. Not to mention the super work-out on Thursday night (B&S guy shocked..the guy underestimates me!) But still. What is going on with me? (got a couple of answers, will spare you from that, be thankful now).
- Now, first the drowsiness for those useless pills; next will be the low pressure wave, like every summer, when I walk around like a ghost and I wake up only after 5 pm…good for a run but work is murder. Nothing else, I wonder?
- Oh, yes, something else, on the side of good news: I am back to writing. Seriously. I did write a lot yesterday, as I was trying to wake up after being unconscious on the sofa for a couple of hours in spite of Hitchcock on tv. My brain was over-flooding with ideas and things to write, so I got lost after a short while but kept writing none the less. This cauldron I have now created is the ground for a couple of interesting things…got to keep awake and work on those babes…(and I still had time for three episodes of my beloved…).
- Last but not least, I think I will be working in August: boss wants to keep the office open and the secretary’s already said that she won’t be there, whereas I’m quite sure that Epg will want to be home too because kindergarten’s closed. So I guess it will have to be me. And this is fine for me, mind! I’ll have the office by myself, with air conditioning vs. the unbearable heat outside; the telephone will never ring because every firm and factory is closed at that time of the year; there will be very little to do, just the archive and maybe some deliveries; I will have time to write and do all my research on Internet and everything should be all right. I think.
********************************************************************************
(Tuesday, 20th)
Here’s another day…boss not around this morning, will be here in the afternoon to superwork over the German files and the Mexican files, and can I point out that it is not likely to get ANYTHING accomplished? Not to be pessimistic but…
At lunch time I am actually going to another job agency (the same of two weeks ago, only in my town), for an offer I applied to some days ago. The girl knows me and she called me yesterday, describing the job in details (which they do only when they have in mind that YOU are the right person). I’m going there so she can tell me more(like what, I wonder? She told me everything yesterday!) and I can decide if it’s worth a try. Which seems likely. I guess it depends on how much I would be paid, now. This is definitely going to be a future update, and hopefully a good one. I can already picture myself giving notice here, and taking some 12 days off (vacation I have earned so far) to run, write, read, unwind and get ready for a new start. Somehow it feels good to know that maybe I can leave this gloomy place with the confidence of someone who’s already got a new place to go. Not an opportunity everybody has.
In other news, I have stopped taking those pills, and am now thinking about homeopathy or such. More on this interesting subject to follow (bet you can’t wait).
And finally, I oh so want to leave the country and move to England or…nearly everywhere, really. I have this incredible feeling of “the good ol’ times” taking hold of me and wrapping me and not letting me go, and I tell you, it’s awful. I think about the dinners at the Green House, about cycling at night to go to Tesco, about the breakfast table and bowls of crunchy cereals eaten in silence while the whole house is asleep after yet another wild night. I think about the campus and the gym, about the tables of the libraries and the benches outside, I think about the Students’ Union and the laundry room, about the pub and the coffee stand, about the classes and the streets.
Boy, it was an awful time, to be true: I put on weight because of all that bad food and beer, I had no friends for what seemed a lifetime, I had terrible housemates and no money.
Eventually I met the best friends of all times (all thanks to Shakespeare..long story), and spent the best three months of my life. Never a problem. Never an argument or anything like that. Only hugs and laughters and dinners together, and music and words.
And this incredible feeling of warmth.
It’s what I remember best: the warmth of the Green House, the warmth of the sun, the warmth of my friends’ hugs, the warmth of the colours in the pictures.
I miss that time. Indeed I do. I miss those friends. Their voices. Their smiles.
*******************************************************************************
(Wednesday, 21st)
On Wednesday morning…after a terrible Tuesday afternoon half spent crying in the bathroom.
I am scared.
Boss came in and said “come to my office, without the papers”. Uhm, prep talk coming up.
I’m scared.
What can I say?
That the Epg doesn’t like the way I work because I don’t do things like she’d want me to? That she wants to be the one who gives the orders and doesn’t accept that I have learnt something and can manage to do things by myself? That there are things that I know and that she doesn’t because she’s been away for a whole year and a hell of a lot of things have happened and still she wants to know more than me – like the packing of that stuff for Russia? How can I say all this without sounding like it’s all my fault and I am the only one who doesn’t go along with the other girls? How can I say this without feeling bad and without starting to cry, since I feel so low that yesterday I cried all the way to the gym (in the car and from the parking lot to the gym itself, until I met mum’s colleague and thought I’d better stop, in case she told my mum and she got worried). I find no reason to work because whatever I do is wrong and in any case nobody pays attention, they only notice the mistakes (which are rare, mind you: it’s not like I get everything wrong every day. It’s just a vicious circle, the more I am nervous the more I make mistakes, the more mistakes I make the more nervous I become…); I am also scared of doing things because I don’t like it when she points out every stupid tiny detail, and questions me over things I cannot have done just by myself (example: “why did you tell them this price for this product?”…. WHAT DO YOU THINK, SMART ASS? BECAUSE THE BOSS TOLD ME!!! What does she want to prove when she asks me these things?). I am scared of doing things because I never know if I have been given all the information and what if I haven’t? More shouts in my direction, and I can’t bear that.
I am low today too. I went to bed very early last night ( I was watching my favourite movie, The Usual Suspects, because it is so capturing that I cannot think about anything else) and I woke up earlier than usual this morning (some time after six…still sleepy but not apt to fall asleep again). My friend at the gym yesterday suggested that I take some days off on sick leave. I can just go to the doctor and explain the situation: he will call for a beginning nervous breakdown, I’m sure, because that’s what I’m going through, and he will give me a couple of weeks. Gym friend considers it to be a revenge, because I would leave Epg alone with the amount of papers to follow up with no help; me, I see it as a chance to get some time off and not worry, safe feeling extra bad when it’s time to go back. Anyway, I don’t know. Maybe I will really call sick one of these days.
In the meantime, I went to the job agency yesterday, and there is a chance I may be able to change; what worries me is that for the first months I wouldn’t be under the firm but under the job agency, with no certainty that at the end of that time I will be confirmed. Also, who knows about the wage? But then I say, if they pay me 100 euros less it doesn’t matter, as long as I am in a better place: mental health is priceless.
It is the beginning of another week and these are the main issues I’d like to point out:
- taking anti-allergies pills sucks: I am so drowsy I can barely stand up. I look like I’m on drugs and I don’t even get the high side of it.
- I washed my car on Friday and guess what: it’s raining today! After some 6 months without rain! I just knew it would…
- …and the rain means also that taking anti-allergies pills is not worth because I don’t really need them now, since pollen is not around now.
- First thing I am told today at work from the secretary is “next time you take a day off tell me too, ok? Because we were here alone and we didn’t know where you were”. Now, I know I didn’t tell you PERSONALLY, but surely you’ve heard me talking for an entire week of how on Friday I would go for blood analysis and such, right? And didn’t that make you think that MAYBE I would not be in?
- An hour later I hear the same by Epg. As if she minded telling me about her not being in last week for a whole afternoon, or being in two hours later the day before. No comment.
- I ate a lot of chocolate yesterday! I was possessed, I swear! Ok, ok, on Saturday I spent the whole afternoon cycling and then went home on foot (2 km on a hill), and on Sunday I also walked 6 km. Not to mention the super work-out on Thursday night (B&S guy shocked..the guy underestimates me!) But still. What is going on with me? (got a couple of answers, will spare you from that, be thankful now).
- Now, first the drowsiness for those useless pills; next will be the low pressure wave, like every summer, when I walk around like a ghost and I wake up only after 5 pm…good for a run but work is murder. Nothing else, I wonder?
- Oh, yes, something else, on the side of good news: I am back to writing. Seriously. I did write a lot yesterday, as I was trying to wake up after being unconscious on the sofa for a couple of hours in spite of Hitchcock on tv. My brain was over-flooding with ideas and things to write, so I got lost after a short while but kept writing none the less. This cauldron I have now created is the ground for a couple of interesting things…got to keep awake and work on those babes…(and I still had time for three episodes of my beloved…).
- Last but not least, I think I will be working in August: boss wants to keep the office open and the secretary’s already said that she won’t be there, whereas I’m quite sure that Epg will want to be home too because kindergarten’s closed. So I guess it will have to be me. And this is fine for me, mind! I’ll have the office by myself, with air conditioning vs. the unbearable heat outside; the telephone will never ring because every firm and factory is closed at that time of the year; there will be very little to do, just the archive and maybe some deliveries; I will have time to write and do all my research on Internet and everything should be all right. I think.
********************************************************************************
(Tuesday, 20th)
Here’s another day…boss not around this morning, will be here in the afternoon to superwork over the German files and the Mexican files, and can I point out that it is not likely to get ANYTHING accomplished? Not to be pessimistic but…
At lunch time I am actually going to another job agency (the same of two weeks ago, only in my town), for an offer I applied to some days ago. The girl knows me and she called me yesterday, describing the job in details (which they do only when they have in mind that YOU are the right person). I’m going there so she can tell me more(like what, I wonder? She told me everything yesterday!) and I can decide if it’s worth a try. Which seems likely. I guess it depends on how much I would be paid, now. This is definitely going to be a future update, and hopefully a good one. I can already picture myself giving notice here, and taking some 12 days off (vacation I have earned so far) to run, write, read, unwind and get ready for a new start. Somehow it feels good to know that maybe I can leave this gloomy place with the confidence of someone who’s already got a new place to go. Not an opportunity everybody has.
In other news, I have stopped taking those pills, and am now thinking about homeopathy or such. More on this interesting subject to follow (bet you can’t wait).
And finally, I oh so want to leave the country and move to England or…nearly everywhere, really. I have this incredible feeling of “the good ol’ times” taking hold of me and wrapping me and not letting me go, and I tell you, it’s awful. I think about the dinners at the Green House, about cycling at night to go to Tesco, about the breakfast table and bowls of crunchy cereals eaten in silence while the whole house is asleep after yet another wild night. I think about the campus and the gym, about the tables of the libraries and the benches outside, I think about the Students’ Union and the laundry room, about the pub and the coffee stand, about the classes and the streets.
Boy, it was an awful time, to be true: I put on weight because of all that bad food and beer, I had no friends for what seemed a lifetime, I had terrible housemates and no money.
Eventually I met the best friends of all times (all thanks to Shakespeare..long story), and spent the best three months of my life. Never a problem. Never an argument or anything like that. Only hugs and laughters and dinners together, and music and words.
And this incredible feeling of warmth.
It’s what I remember best: the warmth of the Green House, the warmth of the sun, the warmth of my friends’ hugs, the warmth of the colours in the pictures.
I miss that time. Indeed I do. I miss those friends. Their voices. Their smiles.
*******************************************************************************
(Wednesday, 21st)
On Wednesday morning…after a terrible Tuesday afternoon half spent crying in the bathroom.
I am scared.
Boss came in and said “come to my office, without the papers”. Uhm, prep talk coming up.
I’m scared.
What can I say?
That the Epg doesn’t like the way I work because I don’t do things like she’d want me to? That she wants to be the one who gives the orders and doesn’t accept that I have learnt something and can manage to do things by myself? That there are things that I know and that she doesn’t because she’s been away for a whole year and a hell of a lot of things have happened and still she wants to know more than me – like the packing of that stuff for Russia? How can I say all this without sounding like it’s all my fault and I am the only one who doesn’t go along with the other girls? How can I say this without feeling bad and without starting to cry, since I feel so low that yesterday I cried all the way to the gym (in the car and from the parking lot to the gym itself, until I met mum’s colleague and thought I’d better stop, in case she told my mum and she got worried). I find no reason to work because whatever I do is wrong and in any case nobody pays attention, they only notice the mistakes (which are rare, mind you: it’s not like I get everything wrong every day. It’s just a vicious circle, the more I am nervous the more I make mistakes, the more mistakes I make the more nervous I become…); I am also scared of doing things because I don’t like it when she points out every stupid tiny detail, and questions me over things I cannot have done just by myself (example: “why did you tell them this price for this product?”…. WHAT DO YOU THINK, SMART ASS? BECAUSE THE BOSS TOLD ME!!! What does she want to prove when she asks me these things?). I am scared of doing things because I never know if I have been given all the information and what if I haven’t? More shouts in my direction, and I can’t bear that.
I am low today too. I went to bed very early last night ( I was watching my favourite movie, The Usual Suspects, because it is so capturing that I cannot think about anything else) and I woke up earlier than usual this morning (some time after six…still sleepy but not apt to fall asleep again). My friend at the gym yesterday suggested that I take some days off on sick leave. I can just go to the doctor and explain the situation: he will call for a beginning nervous breakdown, I’m sure, because that’s what I’m going through, and he will give me a couple of weeks. Gym friend considers it to be a revenge, because I would leave Epg alone with the amount of papers to follow up with no help; me, I see it as a chance to get some time off and not worry, safe feeling extra bad when it’s time to go back. Anyway, I don’t know. Maybe I will really call sick one of these days.
In the meantime, I went to the job agency yesterday, and there is a chance I may be able to change; what worries me is that for the first months I wouldn’t be under the firm but under the job agency, with no certainty that at the end of that time I will be confirmed. Also, who knows about the wage? But then I say, if they pay me 100 euros less it doesn’t matter, as long as I am in a better place: mental health is priceless.
Labels: depression, job, the usual chaos
posted by Peggy @ 9:06 AM
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