I am in Brighton with Ian

Ok…I wanted to sleep but so much has happened in a day, and I need to write. Of corse, after three weeks of good functioning and all, my laptop tonight is in a complete crises…
So, I left this morning…worried about my luggage being too heavy (perfect instead! But the check-in girls were quiet anyway, so i guess i could have run the risk..); worried about my hand luggage being too much (and again, the check-in girls didn’t even look at it!!!); worried about missing connections and arriving late (perfect time instead). Worried about the room I was going to find..or actually, that was the only thing I was not worried about, and the only thing that turned out to be a complete disaster! A big room, yes, with just one bed…the landlady and I then moved in a chest of drawers, and she lent me a duvet and pillow for the moment…I’ll go shopping tomorrow, I guess. Then, the house itself is small and messy…I don’t like it very much. But I have tidied my room, and made it more homey, and I feel quite better now. I will have to stay here for two months (as per the contract), and I will have time to find something better anyway. As I was thinking, this is only to have a roof and a bed for the beginning.
So, after tidying my room and taking a quick shower, I left the house and went about the town. I should mention that at 1 o’clock lovely Ian called me, after a couple of texts we had exchanged in the morning. We set up to meet at 5 in Churchill Square, and I walked about the place for an hour while waiting, while managing to find the place where I will need to go for my interview tomorrow too.
We meet in churchill square, then, and he has this lovely, beautiful bunch of roses, daisies, lilies, sunflowers…beautiful roses. Beautiful sunflowers…A big bunch of flowers. I am so surprised and happy. We hug and kiss, and hug more, almost unable to speak. He holds my hand straight away, before heading for a coffee and a catch-up of the situation. It is wonderful, he is sweet and I cannot speak, I am so happy. He opens my presents, and then he gives me a card that should have accompanied the flowers, which is the sweetest thing I have ever read. We spend this lovely evening together, just walking, sitting and hugging and kissing, talking and laughing, and holding hands. We go to a Thai restaurant near the Pavillion, and the waitress puts my flowers in a vase, then lights a candle. We have dinner caressing each other’s hand, talking more, looking at each other. Time flies, but it feels good because this time we have no deadline: there is no course going to finish, or tickets to go back to another country or anything of the kind. There is only US. And it feels beautiful. He is sweet and caring, he is wonderful and he holds me tight, caressing me, bending down to kiss me, pulling me close, smiling sweetly, looking at me that way. My worries somehow feel less heavy, my heart fills with joy and confidence, with the hopes of a bright future.
We take the bus to go back home and we hold hands, at first, then he does the gesture I love, that shifting of his arm to pull me close, hold me tight, my hand on his shoulder, sometimes, and I love this too, our foreheads touching, eyes closed. He kisses me goodnight and gets off, waving goodbye; it seems to me that he’s sending me a kiss. A short time after I have arrived home, I receive a text, and it’s him again, wishing goodnight.
We will meet again tomorrow afternoon; his place is not far from me. And on Thursday night we are going to have dinner at his place, he’s cooking for me. He’s taking care of me in a way nobody has, ever. It makes me feel so well. He is so sweet and caring, so lovely and romantic. So unreal sometimes. Cheesy to say, but he’s all I have ever dreamed of, and I thought such a person would only exist in the lonely fantasies of hopeless daydreamers like me. Instead.
My lovely Ian smiles, and my heart explodes with joy. He takes my hand, he holds me tight, he kisses me, and I cannot think anymore.
I am so blessed.

And the new countdown is...-2

Yes, I can' wait...
Found house; set up two job interviews with a possible 3 more (not bad as a start); started to pack (and to work out how to fit every possible thing I will need for at least 3 months in a suitcase that cannot be heavier than 15 lousy kg..thanks, Ryanair!); bought present for Ian; seen friends; run as much as possible; been to Venice; read On Chesil Beach (very nice, but maybe the end was a bit hurried? Just my idea); sent more cv.
In the meantime, Ian is starting his teaching job tomorrow morning, so I don't know if on Tuesday he can come and pick me up at the station; I only hope that the lady of my new house will send me the number of the house, since I don't have it yet...
One more thing that makes me extremely nervous is to get there and not have a job, and basically all my money will go into the first month's rent. So, I NEED A JOB QUICKLY. I am quite positive about it, however this hidden pressure remains, and it's not that hidden either. But: positive thinking and deep breaths, as my motto goes.
I'd better be going now.
Plans for the remain of the day: go to town fair with (sad) mother; run; continue to pack; choose more books to put in hand luggage (and pray there will be no problems); read a bit; go out with friends (and considering how hysterical I am becoming, I am not sure it will be a nice evening...).
Next update..who knows???

The latest news

Thursday, 9th

A quick update on the developments:
So, first of all, as I’m writing I am waiting for Ian to call me…I received a text first thing this morning, with him asking me if he could call me sometime today. Lovely Ian. One month yesterday. Boy. I am excited at the thought of him calling me, and the cramps make me bend in two from pain. However. I cannot wait to see him again.
On the side of practical things, I have finally received an email for a room to rent near Falmer, and if by tonight I have no other news I will contact the woman and so the room problem is settled. Flight is booked too, I only need a job, but for that I already have some interesting feedback from places I have sent my application too, and am waiting for the deadlines of those applications to be called for the interview. So, all in all, I am positive and excited!
Next on the list (apart from settling the room thing properly, which should be done by tomorrow) is preparing the clothes to take away with me…I have started, and actually I have also almost finished, but I would really love to just take them out of the closet and be practical, like weigh them, calculate how much I can actually stuff in that case without overcoming the maximum weight allowed (damned Ryanair!).
Also, mum is going to pay for my contacts, which is cool, and if it’s not too expensive she’s prepared to pay for the new lenses of my old glasses, just in case; but I’m still thinking about it, so maybe it won’t be necessary. In any case, the next time we go shopping I will make sure to buy a dvd case too, which she will pay for, because I need one for the things I want to take with me when I leave (cannot live without dvd’s!). I am happy things are working out at last, and now that there are only 12 days to the departure I look around me and all I see is a messy desk I haven’t tidied yet (or actually I have, but then the mess, being alive, has crawled back again), a few books I need to finish (and considering that I wanted to return them tomorrow…), some more walks with friends, a few meetings with friends (seeing one tomorrow and then out for dinner with some others, seeing more next week, then the official girls’ night next week, and more and more…I really feel like a VIP!), running and running (the weather is good, i.e. it’s pouring with rain, which means it’s cool enough and I can run as much as I like), and then…packing at last, and getting to London, and catching the bus and going to Brighton, and…
I cannot think properly of when I am there, apart from practical things like getting to the house, or taking some time (a day or two maybe) to visit the city properly, and hopefully have some interviews settled soon, and I keep daydreaming of getting a good job, possibly at university, where I have applied for a few interesting positions (interesting because they are in the university, and it is an environment that makes me happy and confident, just to be there makes me feel good). Anyway. I am confident, as I said. It is a good feeling. And my wonderful Ian is going to call me in a short while, and I can’t wait to hear his voice again.

Thirty minutes later…
Just said goodbye to lovely Ian. A nice phone call. Both a bit embarrassed, talking of this and that; my eyes closed, listening to his voice, joking, laughing, updating. He tells me “lots of love”, and I repeat it, and he says “ti amo”, and I reply “thank you”…yes, I am that stupid. It feels strange and strong, that he tells me such an intense thing in my language, and I think of when I read it at the end of his letter, and the feeling that overwhelmed me straight away, unexplainable, unbelievable, coming to me in waves up to this very moment. We say goodbye, and I text him a minute later, saying “thank you ***ti amo***”, because he knows, but I’ve never told him. When we were in Brighton I thought about telling him, and of how early it would have sounded, and then he comes and sends me this letter which ends with those words. And he tells me now. When he learns that the room I have found is in Falmer he tells me that maybe then he will also look for some place in Falmer too, I tell him not to worry, then he offers to go look at it for me if I give him the details. It is beautiful, the way he wants to take care of me and look after me. It is sweet.
Yes, I do love him.



Saturday, 11th



More on everything again:
ok, I have found the room and it's not in Falmer but near London Road. Sounds good to me and cross your fingers, it must also be a nice room. And a quiet place.
I arrive in Brighton on the 21st and on the 22nd I have a job interview! Cool!
Ian is wonderful.
I have seen most of my friends now, will see them more next week, I have sunbathed a lot, run, started a good packing list, and bought some interesting books to guide me along the way. And I am all ready. I may even have found somebody who wants to buy my car, and how cool is that, since I REALLY need the money now...!
Ian is wonderful and I can't wait to see him again.


Bit repetitive, am I not? :-)

I just want to leave ASAP

A few days have passed, and here is the latest news on..everything, really.
1. I have just had an angry bitter talk with mother about my decision to leave and my reasons, and the need for me to stop being controlled and criticised for what is entirely in my hands, the way it should be. This is my life, and it’s about time I followed this stream of happiness and confidence in the future, although I am also aware that things will not be easy: I know I’m not leaving for Wonderland, you know? But they don’t seem to understand that, and as for accepting it…Father called me a stupid arrogant a few times in the past days, and finally today he said something about me not giving him any satisfaction, ever, in the past, so he doesn’t expect me to behave any different now. Great. Thanks, dad. Just what I need to hear to leave this damned place with a peaceful mind and a serene heart. Anyway. Flights before August 15th are too expensive, so I am still leaving on the 21st, and I hope that these last 16 days will be bearable. I’m trying to spend as much time as possible away from the kitchen, though, which is where major conflicts usually arise in my family. And one wonders about my issues with food, hu?
2. I have found out that flipping BA won’t take my credit card, so I actually have to go to a travel agency and book the flight there. Great. But at least they will know everything (hopefully), including the maximum weight allowed and stuff. I plan to take about 30 kg of stuff with me, and I’ll travel to Gatwick or Heathrow. (Update: I have booked with Ryanair; cheaper, and 15 kg will do. New packing list to prepare, now…)
3. Tomorrow I must: call the woman for the room; go to travel agency; go to scan centre and get a copy of my degree scanned and saved somewhere so that I can attach it to my application form (stupid uni website still not working, and 4 days have passed already…).
4. I have also found out that I have a lot less money than I thought I had: oh, brother. It means that once I’ve bought the tickets to go to Brighton I will have about enough money to pay for a month’s rent, not including the deposit. I must ask for a loan from parents, which is something I’d rather not do. But I cannot hope to sell the car quickly enough for me to leave with some money in my account, so the idea would be that I get some money from parents and when the car is sold they take their money back and I take the rest of it. Doesn’t sound too bad, does it? Action will be taken on Wednesday, which is my day off when I can do a few more things (Monday and Tuesday I am working here at home as a non-paid, non-volunteer carpet cleaner…), including seeing Library Friend. I am seeing all my friends these days, and it is good also because it is a good excuse to spend a lot of time outside, especially dinner time…Is it possible that I cannot feel comfortable to sit at the table with my own family?
5. So far all my friends support my choice, although they probably get it the wrong way, as in: I’m moving to Brighton because of Ian. People! It’s not exactly like that! But yes, Ian is a big reason for my decision in favour of Brighton vs. other cities, I confess. It’s only in the choice of the location, though, not in anything else. Anyway, support is good, and it makes me feel even more confident about my choice. My heart is full of hope, and this cannot be wrong either.
6. Ian is wonderful. This is no news, is it? He is so incredibly sweet and I miss him so much. So much it hurts. It hurts so much that I cannot breathe. We have been exchanging letter via email in the past few days, and I have really been able to tell him things about myself that nobody has ever known before. He is so incredible. He is so wonderful. Ok, my task is to remember that he’s not perfect either, and I know, I know…;-) Only, he’s the sweetest person I’ve ever met, and I thank God every single moment of my day for giving me this chance to be happy. And I want him to be happy, I want to make him happy. We are a blessed couple, and these days apart are a good way to test our strength and feelings. And in a way I am happy, because I can see that we love each other, this thing is really special.
7. Last but not least, remember my decision to pursue my spiritual me, and find a space for my soul to breathe? Ian is the answer again. He is giving me hope, and showing me the way, and I am more confident. I look around me and I see things under a new light, and I feel light and good. My heart is opening. It is a new feeling and I am trying to understand it, but maybe I should just let it flow in me and live accordingly. And Ian is by my side. “Trusting we can be a source of encouragement and strength to each other for the future”. My wonderful Ian.

I will watch a movie now. No more internet for today, and tomorrow night more applications to be sent, and more things to write, some things to cross out of my list. Things will work out well, and I am confident; and thinking of Ian makes me happy, so can never wipe the smile off my face. Or off my soul. I am happy.

Here again...

Ok…I should be sleeping but cannot really. I needed to hear from Ian so much that I sneaked to the living room and quickly checked my email.
It is still unbelievable how connected we are: I have missed him like crazy today, and he emails me saying that he’s missed me lots today. It takes my breath away.
I am trying to concentrate and work for all the necessary things that need to be done: find a room, find a job, find a flight, prepare a list of things to take to Brighton, find a certificate to attach to the application form and complete the application form, and send the application form…Then go to the optometrist and have my glasses fixed, plus order new contacts, plus maybe have new lenses on old frame, just in case. Then see all my friends, show pictures, talk about the course, talk about this incredible thing that is happening, discuss future plans, hear enthusiastic comments, discuss more regarding my parents’ reaction (not so enthusiastic).
I have been here for a day and I feel good and bad, energetic and tired, happy and depressed. It is not easy.
I am working well and am confident about the future, knowing that I will find a job, something to get me started before I find something better, and hopefully I will sell my car so I will have some extra money too, and things will work out just fine, I have already some contacts for flats, I have even already found some interesting flights that will allow me to carry a heavy suitcase filled with clothes to survive for some months (at least until December, although I would think of going back to Italy only in January – anyway, this is thinking too much ahead).
But the tension, people…it’s been in the air since I announced my decision to move to Brighton and pursue, hold onto this breathtaking feeling, this special, wonderful person who is giving so much to me and who is willing to accept all the love I have and want to give. We are so good together, and now that we are apart we email and text continuously, missing each other like mad, emails to get to know each other, build and work on this special thing we have started.
But the tension at home…mother not happy about me, generally, because I have decided to move and do something completely unexpected, although half fulfilling her wish, that I be happy and find a good person to be with. Yes, she would prefer me at home, being the faithful daughter and housemaid, watching tv with her in the evening, going shopping, and all that. Somehow depending on her on an emotional and practical point of view (I don’t cook at home, I don’t iron, I only do the chores and the washing up…). Blaming it on the shrink who helped me waking up and getting out of my cage, although the shrink herself pointed out how I did it all by myself, with a tiny little help from her, really, and possibly unnecessary (I suppose it would have taken a little longer to do it by myself). At the end of the day, I am doing what is best for me, and I am quite tired of justifying it in front of her, who says I am denying my identity and origin, running away from problems I have created as some sort of excuse to leave. Father is worried on the practical side, strangely enough, wondering what will be of me if I leave without having found a job, first.
Seriously, people, I am tired: I can’t wait to leave and start this new Brighton life, the master I have always wanted to do, being independent after 3 years of cage, and be with this beautiful person, and share this special thing we have. No, I can’t wait.
I am trying to leave by the end of the month, as soon as things are ready, and I have a room and a ticket to fly: if I have found the job by then, all the better, otherwise I have some money and can start off with anything for the moment.
I miss Ian so much.